Stay, or leave.

Alright before I move on I just wanna hint you on the head, I'm gonna be ranting and please leave if you're not interested. I'm lost, and I don't want to be found, because no one's gonna do it anyway. I don't know what I'm doing everyday. I don't see things the way I used to see anymore. I used to be that happy-go-lucky person, focus on necessary things and live my consistent life. I am not dealing with my studies properly and seriously as I used to be. I am not eating the right way I am supposed to be. I lose appetite more and more often. I see people happy and so actively living their life, and I'm here seeing no purpose in living. I have so much problems I don't know, don't remember' don't want, don't give a fuck to deal with. I don't want to be smoking. I don't want to be drinking. But when I'm doing it, I forget my insecurities, and obviously it feels good. I don't want to be spending money on food, shopping for clothes and all. But I'm happy doing it, so I don't care. I don't want to be lying to myself about how I feel. I will act according to how I feel, and no, I'm not gonna care about your feelings because no one cares about mine after all. I'm not here to rant about who cares about whose feelings. But really, some people just go some much over the line they don't even noticed they fell off onto the ground. 

I'm like having my own show everyday. Acting, trying to please everyone around me. Faking those smiles, adding extra emojis, typing longer texts, giving fake praises, and trying to be happy from outside in. Thinking of ways to cover flaws, but judging people's imperfections at the same time. Buying happiness with money, and losing happiness when I'm broke. Being jealous of other people, but trying to cover it. I don't know man. I always see a person and ask them, how on the earth do you live so happily? Is it that you don't give a fuck or I gave too much fucks? Is it that you don't feel anything or I feel too much about things? Is it that you're loved or I love too much? Is it that you don't listen or I listen too much? It's sad that I can't read minds. If I could, I would know if people are faking smiles or feeling sincerely. Life is a movie where you're the main character. You have a choice to continue acting or not. Some will choose to stop and be real, but I'm pretty sure majority will continue to act to be someone you're not supposed to be. In life, acting has no breaks. Once you take breaks, you break. Because everything that used to go your way will hit you back, and you break into pieces. Again, this time you have to pick up the pieces yourself, and hopefully you build a new you out of it. Not trying to be deep and all, but I really mean every word I say. 

Hopefully I will find some peace in mind and a purpose in living soon. Hopefully I leave where I don't belong to, and things who don't belong leave me as soon as possible.