hope i'll be alive one year later.
bye
Tuesday 14 January 2020
Monday 14 January 2019
Twenty two
A year older, a year wiser.
22 is the age when reality hits you and you realize that time is going to fly pass no matter what, whether you want to grow up or not. So, I want to learn to make the most out of my time. Focus on happiness and kindness. Embrace sadness, anger, frustration, failure and get over them. Speak less and listen more.
22 is the age you take love seriously. Love while you can. Everything begins with love. If you love yourself, you will not smoke. If you love your friend, you advise them to quit smoking. If you love your mom, you quit smoking because you know she will be disappointed in us. If you love your partner, you compromise. If you love your colleague, you listen to their opinions. I want to learn to love, genuinely.
22 is the age you no longer feel young. Not physically, but emotionally and psychologically. Young enough to still go clubbing and drinking, but old enough to realize that health is wealth. Without health, I can't earn money, I can't travel the world, I can't love the ones I love. Call me old-fashioned but it is what it is when it comes to life.
22 is the age you have barely any friends, especially, true reliable friends. Those whom you do not have to talk to every day to maintain the friendship. Those who are miles away but close at heart. Those who can almost read your mind and emotions like dolphins.
22 is the age you are alone, but not necessarily lonely. Well at least for me, I started enjoying doing things alone. Shop alone, travel alone (want to try that soon), eat alone... They are not as bad as they sound. I want to learn to put the focus on myself. Learn to embrace my feelings. Love if I love. Hate if I hate. Smile if I'm happy. Cry if I'm sad. Everyone is going to judge you, regardless of what you are doing. So just do it.
22 is the age you learn how to talk to someone. Learn how to take care of the feelings of others. Learn how to respect everyone and everything. Learn how not to offend someone, because words spoken cannot be taken back. Words heard cannot be unheard.
22 is the age you thought you know yourself well but you are wrong. I thought I was an extrovert, but I start to enjoy being alone, like how an introvert loses energy after being in crowds. Being around people does make you feel accompanied, but being around people for too long makes you feel even lonelier, because not everyone knows your story and what you've been through. Everyone is just like a friendly stranger.
22 is the age when birthdays get less and less exciting. Birthdays are just reminders about the 365 days, 8760 hours that you have just wasted. Birthdays are just reminders of who remembers your birthday and who you "thought remembers your birthday" forgets your birthday. Birthdays are just ordinary days with a few more Facebook notifications popping up and receiving that "once in a year" message from your friends.
22 is the age when every social media especially Facebook never fails to remind you that you are old af. Reminding you of good or bad memories from years and decades ago. Reminding you of how slim you used to look and how life used to be so carefree.
22 is the age you start to agree that "the older we are, the lesser friends we have". Its becoming about the quality, not quantity. Having 1000 friends on Facebook feels like having 998 strangers instead. It is also the age when the number of your Instagram followers are constant for at least half a year.
22 is the age you start to become a morning person instead of a night person because you are too tired for clubbing, too awake for sleep, but too old to stay up so you end up sleeping early XD
Happy birthday, me.
Thursday 10 November 2016
Selfish
I was so surprised. I was expecting something, yes I totally was. Expectations lead to disappointment. It was worse than disappointment, it was pure heartbreak. I am constantly questioning myself, what have I ever done to you that you have to treat me like this? Initially I blame myself, but had no answers and response from you. Eventually, I am blaming you, and I really hate you to the core.
Your face looked restless. I don't know what are you up to, and I don't really care. My decision of shaking my head was right. You do not deserve my help. You didn't even bother to ask anything, not even a simple hi. I expected a Hi, well, that's all. You said absolutely nothing. You obviously are taking advantage of me, making use of my kindness and taking me for granted. At this point, I don't mind if you stab me in the heart, I really won't feel any pain. Because you have already hurt me so many times, I don't mind one last time if it's for the good of both parties.
You are so selfish. I don't know if you were conscious when you said you were serious about this shit. I bet you were not, but that's not the problem. The real problem is I trusted you. The little me inside knew that you're lying and telling me not to fall for it again, but another me just decided to suicide. I was proud that you finally woke up, but it was all lies. It's like I just suffered a bad cancer, suppressed with medication, but one day I just forgot to take the medication and pulled myself closer to death once again.
I guess we are not meant for each other. Am I speaking too soon? It's hard to tell when the other party doesn't give a flying fuck about your feelings. Here's everything I wanna throw in your face. Please, for fuck sake, stop playing with my feelings and making use of me. It seems like you found your comfort zone in uni, and if that's the reason you're ignoring me, then please fuck off to your uni. You and your ego should burn in hell. I don't know if your mother brought you up to play around w girls like this, or is it your father? Shame on you. I don't care how desperate you are, who the fuck are you to do this? You take more than you give. You raise voices for all unnecessary reasons. I believe you have a kind heart, even until now. It's me, for being someone easy for you to bully.
I still love you, that's bullshit. I hate you, please some car knock die you, now, tomorrow, asap.
Your face looked restless. I don't know what are you up to, and I don't really care. My decision of shaking my head was right. You do not deserve my help. You didn't even bother to ask anything, not even a simple hi. I expected a Hi, well, that's all. You said absolutely nothing. You obviously are taking advantage of me, making use of my kindness and taking me for granted. At this point, I don't mind if you stab me in the heart, I really won't feel any pain. Because you have already hurt me so many times, I don't mind one last time if it's for the good of both parties.
You are so selfish. I don't know if you were conscious when you said you were serious about this shit. I bet you were not, but that's not the problem. The real problem is I trusted you. The little me inside knew that you're lying and telling me not to fall for it again, but another me just decided to suicide. I was proud that you finally woke up, but it was all lies. It's like I just suffered a bad cancer, suppressed with medication, but one day I just forgot to take the medication and pulled myself closer to death once again.
I guess we are not meant for each other. Am I speaking too soon? It's hard to tell when the other party doesn't give a flying fuck about your feelings. Here's everything I wanna throw in your face. Please, for fuck sake, stop playing with my feelings and making use of me. It seems like you found your comfort zone in uni, and if that's the reason you're ignoring me, then please fuck off to your uni. You and your ego should burn in hell. I don't know if your mother brought you up to play around w girls like this, or is it your father? Shame on you. I don't care how desperate you are, who the fuck are you to do this? You take more than you give. You raise voices for all unnecessary reasons. I believe you have a kind heart, even until now. It's me, for being someone easy for you to bully.
I still love you, that's bullshit. I hate you, please some car knock die you, now, tomorrow, asap.
Tuesday 8 November 2016
Fix you, not
After I don't know eight long months of silence, finally things decided to go back to what it was. I don't know if this was fated or what but it seems like I'm forever a weakness, vulnerable in your presence. When you thought things are finally in your control and you thought you fixed them well, some things with certain people just cannot never be fixed.
I don't understand why I should open up to someone who doesn't even bother talking to me. I don't see a point of being true to someone who cannot even be honest to himself. For the millionth time I have thought to myself, how true can your words be? Your words used to mean so much to me, but now, no matter how much honesty you force into every word you say, I cannot believe you the way I used to do. It isn't a trust issue, or maybe it is, but look, what are you doing?
I remember clearer than anything else the day you threw words in my face claiming how you will not make history repeat itself. Sorry lah but seems like you are trying to make the present worse than the history. I am not even asking for anything you know. All I ask for is to be honest with ourselves. Every word that I ever said to your face, was true. I have been trying so hard to believe half of all the bullshits you toss in my face. I seriously don't know how to trust you anymore. Actions speak louder than words, but in your case, no actions and words full of bullshit.
I will take the punishment for this once again. It took me so much courage and time to run slightly out of you, but just so little effort to run back into you for all the wrong reasons. Fuck my life seriously, what have I ever done to deserve this kind of dog treatment. I don't know why you can hurt someone again and again and again when her only objective was to make you happy. I hope I have the courage to say this in your face, but seriously, just be honest with yourself for once, stop playing with each others' feelings, and wasting time and effort for god damn motherfucking nothing in the end. Oh not nothing, but both broken hearts and torn up souls.
For fuck sake man, just leave me alone forever or show your true self. No one in this fucking world has the time to read minds and believe your half bullshitted words. First time believing in you was immature, second time will be stubbornness, but third will be pure stupidity. Fuck me.
I don't understand why I should open up to someone who doesn't even bother talking to me. I don't see a point of being true to someone who cannot even be honest to himself. For the millionth time I have thought to myself, how true can your words be? Your words used to mean so much to me, but now, no matter how much honesty you force into every word you say, I cannot believe you the way I used to do. It isn't a trust issue, or maybe it is, but look, what are you doing?
I remember clearer than anything else the day you threw words in my face claiming how you will not make history repeat itself. Sorry lah but seems like you are trying to make the present worse than the history. I am not even asking for anything you know. All I ask for is to be honest with ourselves. Every word that I ever said to your face, was true. I have been trying so hard to believe half of all the bullshits you toss in my face. I seriously don't know how to trust you anymore. Actions speak louder than words, but in your case, no actions and words full of bullshit.
I will take the punishment for this once again. It took me so much courage and time to run slightly out of you, but just so little effort to run back into you for all the wrong reasons. Fuck my life seriously, what have I ever done to deserve this kind of dog treatment. I don't know why you can hurt someone again and again and again when her only objective was to make you happy. I hope I have the courage to say this in your face, but seriously, just be honest with yourself for once, stop playing with each others' feelings, and wasting time and effort for god damn motherfucking nothing in the end. Oh not nothing, but both broken hearts and torn up souls.
For fuck sake man, just leave me alone forever or show your true self. No one in this fucking world has the time to read minds and believe your half bullshitted words. First time believing in you was immature, second time will be stubbornness, but third will be pure stupidity. Fuck me.
Thursday 24 March 2016
Options?
Sorry guys, this is not gonna be a happy blog post so leave before we get all emotional. I already am but I don't want this to be a reason you smile less.
Options, choices. It's always good to have more than an option, right? How about being an option? People choose you, people do not choose you too. This world has its evilest way of killing you, by making you someone's option, and just in case you don't feel the pain, you are made second option.
Come to think of it, being someone's option AT LEAST, makes everything sound better. Yes, this is exactly how the world kills you and burns you an inch deeper as if you are not dead enough. I thought I had never been a thinker, but I guess the thinker in me is growing up. Here I am, spilling things on a fucking blog instead of doing the real shit.
If I have to be the second option, can I not be an option at all? Because both hurt equally, after all. Left hand side equals to right hand side, bingo, they both stab you equally deep, maybe just at a different rate and with different weapons. Comparatively, not being an option should be the less deadly one. Slightly less, I guess?
Waking up in the morning thinking that you're Not an option gives you a reason to stop all expectations. But waking up day after day, still believing that you Are the second/third/fourth/fifth/last option, really can tear you up into shredded pieces when expectation are too far to realize. In other words, as long as you still hold onto being 'an option', most of the time you'll be fucked left right center when you don't get what you want.
How much more cruel can this world be? Everytime something like this hits me, I thought it was the worst things can be. I thought okay, this is so bad nothing can be worse. But the world is spinning, same goes to us. Things come and go, what stays will be, lessons? experience? I don't know. Hurt, yes that stays. It stays, it sinks in eventually.
I know I look strong like someone you cannot hurt. Sorry, but I will be the one you hurt the most when you think you did no shit. Keep hurting me, my blood shall stain you like lessons. Let see how it goes.
If I'm second option, make me zero option.
Monday 21 March 2016
以后别做朋友
背景里播着的歌，突然变成最适合自己的一首歌。 我们熬过了这么多，我重没想过我们会有今天。来到今天， 我已经受够了。想回去以前刚认识你的时候，我并不太喜欢你的个性。感情可以培养，感情也可以淡化。时间带着我们培养感情，时间也是把感情毁掉的那个。 和你培养的感情虽然挺深，可是你给我的失望尽然更深。我觉得我这个决定应该是最正确的，因为不是第一次了。你来来去去，说走就走，说要就要，你也太自私了吧。我的确要你学会自私，学会玩弄自己的感情，学会欺骗自己，学会欺负自己，学会丢下自己，学会对自己不理不睬，因为这一切你都学会做在我身上。我，到底做错什么？
有话不早说，有感情不早讲，没感情也不早讲。我不怪你，我们都有错。我错在容易心暖，我错在信任你，我错在盲了眼睛，我错在遇见你，我错在爱上你。对不起，也许我会后悔这个决定，可是再继续伤害彼此的话，我们都会后悔。我们在彼此的生活里都留下了疤痕， 留下了回忆。好的回忆不多，坏的回忆也不少。我舍得吗？真的舍得吗？？ 我根本没有想过会失去你。我没有准备一幅失去你之后可以参考的地图，更没有预想到没有你的日子怎么过。这辈子遇到的朋友，来来去去，留下的只有几个。而你，是我要留下的。可是老天爷把我们分开了，应该再也回不去以前。
你说中了，那天晚上，是我最开心的一天。远距离的欣赏真的可以很残酷。看见你在面前，却不可以关心你。心里面的空虚，想念，都在一个晚上没有了。也许我们没有缘分，老天爷给了我你的存在，可是明天就把你没收了。你不会明白，而且我自己也不明白，我到底流的是什么泪，我到底是为谁流泪。你有你的难过，我有我的难过。别想念我，别告诉我，别记得我。我们真的真的真的是错误。
我没有放弃这段友情，我放弃伤害自己。我真的有心软，我真的放不下。放过彼此吧，勉强没有幸福。我会紧紧握着我们有过的回忆，轻轻放下培养过的感情。我希望你会找到属于自己的一份开心，一份满足，一个依靠，一个拥抱。
忘记你是不可能的，可是放下你，我已经办到了。对不起谢谢。
有话不早说，有感情不早讲，没感情也不早讲。我不怪你，我们都有错。我错在容易心暖，我错在信任你，我错在盲了眼睛，我错在遇见你，我错在爱上你。对不起，也许我会后悔这个决定，可是再继续伤害彼此的话，我们都会后悔。我们在彼此的生活里都留下了疤痕， 留下了回忆。好的回忆不多，坏的回忆也不少。我舍得吗？真的舍得吗？？ 我根本没有想过会失去你。我没有准备一幅失去你之后可以参考的地图，更没有预想到没有你的日子怎么过。这辈子遇到的朋友，来来去去，留下的只有几个。而你，是我要留下的。可是老天爷把我们分开了，应该再也回不去以前。
你说中了，那天晚上，是我最开心的一天。远距离的欣赏真的可以很残酷。看见你在面前，却不可以关心你。心里面的空虚，想念，都在一个晚上没有了。也许我们没有缘分，老天爷给了我你的存在，可是明天就把你没收了。你不会明白，而且我自己也不明白，我到底流的是什么泪，我到底是为谁流泪。你有你的难过，我有我的难过。别想念我，别告诉我，别记得我。我们真的真的真的是错误。
我没有放弃这段友情，我放弃伤害自己。我真的有心软，我真的放不下。放过彼此吧，勉强没有幸福。我会紧紧握着我们有过的回忆，轻轻放下培养过的感情。我希望你会找到属于自己的一份开心，一份满足，一个依靠，一个拥抱。
忘记你是不可能的，可是放下你，我已经办到了。对不起谢谢。
Monday 7 March 2016
Lessons
Everyone comes into our lives for a reason. Either a blessing, or a lesson. You were a blessing at first, but I was a fool, you became a lesson. First of all, fuck my feelings. Feelings are so unnecessary, but at the same time, without feelings, we won't know how to love and appreciate. You know what is the most heartbreaking thing? I thought the feelings were small, but you managed to hold it tight in your hands, playing it all around, and one fine day, you toss it on the ground and left without looking back. From the strongest person I was, I became the most vulnerable piece of shit crying tears for someone who will not give a fuck.
Why is it so hard to not fall in love? Why is it so easily to fall out of love? Feelings. Fuck them hard, my feelings grow fast, fade faster. Since day one, I have been asking you the same question again and again. You denied it, you fucking denied it. You're selfish, and all you think about is to seek attention and pleasure from other's weaknesses. You're more than an asshole. Don't blame me for saying all these, because you don't give a fuck after all. You were misleading. I had my precautions, but you led me on. I was stupid, to even make friends with a person like you. Acting all emotional, acting all depressed, you're just another attention-seeking hoe.
No one could understand you, and it seemed like only I did. I thought I did too, but I think you don't even understand what humans are made of. Feelings, we all have fucking feelings, not just you. When you assume you are able to help someone, to be fair to someone and to not hurt someone merely by ignoring them, you're wrong at all levels. The more you care about someone, the more you should be sharing with them, tell them what you really feel. You had no balls, well obviously, I don't blame you for that. You had zero guts to open up to me, plus you were laughing away. Correct me if I'm wrong, but you're a loser.
You made things sounded like, you're all innocent and helpless. You always claim that it is your fault. Wake the fuck up man, it has nothing to do w faults. You think that blaming yourself in front of me can make you less guilty? You're so pathetically pitiful, If you think that hiding the truth is the solution to not hurting other people, you're brainless. After revealing the truth and I did not react to the way you planned, you started blaming yourself for even telling me. What the fuck. You are so fucking selfish. You keep everything to yourself, thinking that people won't get hurt, and act like you're so fucking emotionally injured. What hurts most is faking in front of each other. It's like wasting everyone's time. Just be true to yourself. Its such a shame, that you cannot even do things truthfully for yourself. Your feelings say A, your actions do B.
What breaks me the most is after a month of unknown silence, you come back telling me oh I just wanted to be fair to you, not to hurt you that's why I kept distance from you. Yeah, I totally understand, maybe you were having fun playing with my feelings, that's why you didn't bother. You're wrong, you're insane, you're psycho, you're ignorant. You are no fucking one to play with anyone's feelings like this.
I hope I can be a lesson in your life. When you play with fire, you will burn yourself. I am aware that I am no loss to your life, Without me you will still be the fake-smiling loud-speaking attention-seeking little hoe. Continue being you, I am moving on :)
Why is it so hard to not fall in love? Why is it so easily to fall out of love? Feelings. Fuck them hard, my feelings grow fast, fade faster. Since day one, I have been asking you the same question again and again. You denied it, you fucking denied it. You're selfish, and all you think about is to seek attention and pleasure from other's weaknesses. You're more than an asshole. Don't blame me for saying all these, because you don't give a fuck after all. You were misleading. I had my precautions, but you led me on. I was stupid, to even make friends with a person like you. Acting all emotional, acting all depressed, you're just another attention-seeking hoe.
No one could understand you, and it seemed like only I did. I thought I did too, but I think you don't even understand what humans are made of. Feelings, we all have fucking feelings, not just you. When you assume you are able to help someone, to be fair to someone and to not hurt someone merely by ignoring them, you're wrong at all levels. The more you care about someone, the more you should be sharing with them, tell them what you really feel. You had no balls, well obviously, I don't blame you for that. You had zero guts to open up to me, plus you were laughing away. Correct me if I'm wrong, but you're a loser.
You made things sounded like, you're all innocent and helpless. You always claim that it is your fault. Wake the fuck up man, it has nothing to do w faults. You think that blaming yourself in front of me can make you less guilty? You're so pathetically pitiful, If you think that hiding the truth is the solution to not hurting other people, you're brainless. After revealing the truth and I did not react to the way you planned, you started blaming yourself for even telling me. What the fuck. You are so fucking selfish. You keep everything to yourself, thinking that people won't get hurt, and act like you're so fucking emotionally injured. What hurts most is faking in front of each other. It's like wasting everyone's time. Just be true to yourself. Its such a shame, that you cannot even do things truthfully for yourself. Your feelings say A, your actions do B.
What breaks me the most is after a month of unknown silence, you come back telling me oh I just wanted to be fair to you, not to hurt you that's why I kept distance from you. Yeah, I totally understand, maybe you were having fun playing with my feelings, that's why you didn't bother. You're wrong, you're insane, you're psycho, you're ignorant. You are no fucking one to play with anyone's feelings like this.
I hope I can be a lesson in your life. When you play with fire, you will burn yourself. I am aware that I am no loss to your life, Without me you will still be the fake-smiling loud-speaking attention-seeking little hoe. Continue being you, I am moving on :)
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