I wish

Have you ever wanted to blog some feelings out so badly but you know no one will listen, no one will understand, and no one gives a flying fuck? Have you ever sat in front of your computer looking at a blank blog space typing 2 lines and backspacing all of them? Have you ever felt so tired of life sometimes, you just feel like cutting yourself to death. Cutting myself is ridiculous and I am aware of that, so I won't even consider it because yes, I have no guts. I have no guts to face my problems. I have no guts to voice out. I have no guts to take all that judgement. I just suck so much I don't know why do I even exist. I use to believe I exist for something, but I don't. I'm just here taking up more oxygen, using more petrol, taking up seats in a classroom, killing more animals for food, and hurting more people. 

What the fuck just happened? I don't know. I'm not sure what made me so pissed. My eyes are so heavy, sore and at the same time, I feel like crying thinking about this. I was having a fairly good day, struggled through my exams and survived a flat tyre until you made some shitty decisions. Tell me how selfish I am and how inconsiderate I'm, but fuck you this is my blog. I was already tired enough after preparing one whole night for two fucking subjects. I needed my nap so much. I was hoping to get my dinner done and get home asap. Plans ruined, time wasted, stuck and I can't go home due to traffic jams. Maybe it's my fault, but I'm just so so so pissed and disappointed.  I felt like I got fooled right in the face, left alone there to pick myself up pieces by pieces. I was heartbroken the moment I found out, and I just gave no fucks anymore. No one cares after all? I should have just put this to a permanent end. I need to kill those feelings, burn those memories, and bury those conversations. 

Enough, imagine if I hold on to my decisions made previously, I won't have to go through all these. I'm so so disappointed. It makes me feel so useless that I can't even handle a small thing like this. Sorry, I just can't. I have so much feelings in this, Being a person who doesn't like to share doesn't make anything better. Go away, I need to be alone. Though I may feel lonely forever but it's okay. It is still better than going through all these. It's fucking over. I'm leaving. 

I wish. I wish I wasn't born like this. I wish I was born prettier, smarter, and more talented. I wish, I can help more people, because maybe my helping others, I feel better as a person myself and hopefully people help me back at least at times I need them. I wish I don't need to fake myself, I wish I don't need to force myself to smile at people I don't want to, force myself to talk to them. I wish I can have a machine, if not person to talk to. Already am I alone, I am ready for that loneliness. 

I know why people cut themselves now. I finally understand. Maybe one day I will. I won't regret it. Cutting yourself probably takes away the sorrow in you because the pain covers it. Fuck all of you. God just please forgive me. I have my mistakes and maybe I have not noticed it yet. I'm so tired I don't see things getting better even if I realise my mistakes. People are just pieces of shits throwing more shits at you as if you don't have fucking feelings.