Stay, or leave.

Alright before I move on I just wanna hint you on the head, I'm gonna be ranting and please leave if you're not interested. I'm lost, and I don't want to be found, because no one's gonna do it anyway. I don't know what I'm doing everyday. I don't see things the way I used to see anymore. I used to be that happy-go-lucky person, focus on necessary things and live my consistent life. I am not dealing with my studies properly and seriously as I used to be. I am not eating the right way I am supposed to be. I lose appetite more and more often. I see people happy and so actively living their life, and I'm here seeing no purpose in living. I have so much problems I don't know, don't remember' don't want, don't give a fuck to deal with. I don't want to be smoking. I don't want to be drinking. But when I'm doing it, I forget my insecurities, and obviously it feels good. I don't want to be spending money on food, shopping for clothes and all. But I'm happy doing it, so I don't care. I don't want to be lying to myself about how I feel. I will act according to how I feel, and no, I'm not gonna care about your feelings because no one cares about mine after all. I'm not here to rant about who cares about whose feelings. But really, some people just go some much over the line they don't even noticed they fell off onto the ground. 

I'm like having my own show everyday. Acting, trying to please everyone around me. Faking those smiles, adding extra emojis, typing longer texts, giving fake praises, and trying to be happy from outside in. Thinking of ways to cover flaws, but judging people's imperfections at the same time. Buying happiness with money, and losing happiness when I'm broke. Being jealous of other people, but trying to cover it. I don't know man. I always see a person and ask them, how on the earth do you live so happily? Is it that you don't give a fuck or I gave too much fucks? Is it that you don't feel anything or I feel too much about things? Is it that you're loved or I love too much? Is it that you don't listen or I listen too much? It's sad that I can't read minds. If I could, I would know if people are faking smiles or feeling sincerely. Life is a movie where you're the main character. You have a choice to continue acting or not. Some will choose to stop and be real, but I'm pretty sure majority will continue to act to be someone you're not supposed to be. In life, acting has no breaks. Once you take breaks, you break. Because everything that used to go your way will hit you back, and you break into pieces. Again, this time you have to pick up the pieces yourself, and hopefully you build a new you out of it. Not trying to be deep and all, but I really mean every word I say. 

Hopefully I will find some peace in mind and a purpose in living soon. Hopefully I leave where I don't belong to, and things who don't belong leave me as soon as possible. 

Semester one: Done!

Hey folks, I'm am not here not to rant. But I'll put that aside for the moment. Today is the last day of my semester one in MUFY. I don't really feel a thing lel because I have semester two coming right in my face in less than two months. But of course, I'm really happy to have survived through this semester, and am so grateful for having my lecturers. This is not an appreciation post, but really, I think I have been well taken care of this semester. Sadly, semester one lecturers won't be teaching semester two *tears* except Ms Lee. She's an amazing advanced mathematics lecturer, the only one around and that's a good thing. Otherwise we will be getting different lecturers and all, that will be sickening. She's the reason why I look forward and take advanced mathematics seriously. Classes are always informative and effective learning ugh so much big words. I definitely can't wait to see her next semester!  Semester one was like 3 and half months only, I just realized. No wonder it went like flying shits. Finals in two days, and obviously not even close to prepared. Screw that, got semester two whut hahaha.

Course-mates often question me how I survive taking 5 subjects, just so you know, minimum is four subjects per semester. Everyday there's 6 slots of classes. You can't take 6 subjects in one semester because you won't have breaks. 5 subjects is possible, but it's your decision you'll suffer with less breaks. Well that's what I thought initially, but nope. I survived 5 fucking subjects of Chemistry Physics Maths English and yeah, Advanced Maths. My schedule is like 8 to 4pm everyday except Monday. I have four subjects back to back each of these days, and I'm cool! :) Good job myself. I'll most probably be doing the exact same thing next semester. Now, all I can do is pray for motivation, luck and most importantly take away my procrastination please. I need that ohm during SPM man. 

Here's some photos of today's #lastdayofsemester1

Favourite: Ms Lee! 

I wish

Have you ever wanted to blog some feelings out so badly but you know no one will listen, no one will understand, and no one gives a flying fuck? Have you ever sat in front of your computer looking at a blank blog space typing 2 lines and backspacing all of them? Have you ever felt so tired of life sometimes, you just feel like cutting yourself to death. Cutting myself is ridiculous and I am aware of that, so I won't even consider it because yes, I have no guts. I have no guts to face my problems. I have no guts to voice out. I have no guts to take all that judgement. I just suck so much I don't know why do I even exist. I use to believe I exist for something, but I don't. I'm just here taking up more oxygen, using more petrol, taking up seats in a classroom, killing more animals for food, and hurting more people. 

What the fuck just happened? I don't know. I'm not sure what made me so pissed. My eyes are so heavy, sore and at the same time, I feel like crying thinking about this. I was having a fairly good day, struggled through my exams and survived a flat tyre until you made some shitty decisions. Tell me how selfish I am and how inconsiderate I'm, but fuck you this is my blog. I was already tired enough after preparing one whole night for two fucking subjects. I needed my nap so much. I was hoping to get my dinner done and get home asap. Plans ruined, time wasted, stuck and I can't go home due to traffic jams. Maybe it's my fault, but I'm just so so so pissed and disappointed.  I felt like I got fooled right in the face, left alone there to pick myself up pieces by pieces. I was heartbroken the moment I found out, and I just gave no fucks anymore. No one cares after all? I should have just put this to a permanent end. I need to kill those feelings, burn those memories, and bury those conversations. 

Enough, imagine if I hold on to my decisions made previously, I won't have to go through all these. I'm so so disappointed. It makes me feel so useless that I can't even handle a small thing like this. Sorry, I just can't. I have so much feelings in this, Being a person who doesn't like to share doesn't make anything better. Go away, I need to be alone. Though I may feel lonely forever but it's okay. It is still better than going through all these. It's fucking over. I'm leaving. 

I wish. I wish I wasn't born like this. I wish I was born prettier, smarter, and more talented. I wish, I can help more people, because maybe my helping others, I feel better as a person myself and hopefully people help me back at least at times I need them. I wish I don't need to fake myself, I wish I don't need to force myself to smile at people I don't want to, force myself to talk to them. I wish I can have a machine, if not person to talk to. Already am I alone, I am ready for that loneliness. 

I know why people cut themselves now. I finally understand. Maybe one day I will. I won't regret it. Cutting yourself probably takes away the sorrow in you because the pain covers it. Fuck all of you. God just please forgive me. I have my mistakes and maybe I have not noticed it yet. I'm so tired I don't see things getting better even if I realise my mistakes. People are just pieces of shits throwing more shits at you as if you don't have fucking feelings. 

困

嗨！ 哇今天心血来潮想丢脸一下，展现我最烂的中文。说得起一口流利的中文是一件很令人骄傲的事。可惜，那不是我。虽然我读华小，可是少说，少写，少读就如自杀，渐渐一定会退步。我相信有很多人都可以理解这种感受，好像失去了以前的自己，找不回了。再怎么努力都回不去原点，回不到开始的那种程度。 听起来很夸张似的，但。。真的没有夸哦。你有试过吗，看到一个很熟悉的字，第一眼好像认识，可是看久了，就变陌生，然后就越看越认不出。也许你不明白，或者没试过，可是真的，会发生。

一直以来，我对自己最基本的中文会话毫无疑问，可是时间获胜，而我输了。我失败了。我有看台湾剧还有新剧的习惯，还以为这有帮助，我错了，反而我的台湾腔进步了。哈哈。学口腔的确很好玩，也很有挑战性。我喜欢！呵呵。中国口腔也挺可爱，不会太难，应该会派上用场吧，因为大学有中国的朋友。但是，他们都很酷的样子，我猜他们会这么做只有两个可能性，一就是觉得大马人说的中文太深奥了，啦咯叻噜呵哈哇佬喂。。二就是看小我们不能明白他们的语言。

我非常同意中文是世界上最难学，最难明白的语言。学一横一瞥真的很难，要记得和保持程度也容易不到哪里去。我现在的情况就是，忘完了。趁经学过的，趁经拥有的知识和词汇也许还存在可是想不起了。好浪费哦。。不仅仅是学中文，不管学什么都好，不可以停止。因为人类不是完美的， 完美不是人类。你我都会忘记，你我都会放弃。其实我没有资格讨论这个，可是我也是在学习，我也是在长大。

说真的，成长挺吓人。我们人体不停地成长，这不在我们控制范围内，可是心里想法的成长，我们是可以控制的。我们可以选择相信，接受，牢记，忽略。选错就会后悔，后悔就会学习，学习就是成长。好复杂哦。重点就是。。成长过程有惊喜，有失望，有极点，有低落，有恐惧，有回忆，有机会，有选择，有放弃，有失败，也有成功。到底你做了对的选择吗？

我做人很困，很累。不管有多少朋友，说好的好朋友，都是假的，到最会还是孤单。没有人可以陪你一辈子，爱情伴侣就别提了，所以你是自己最好，最永久的伴侣。到今天，经过这么多事情，交过这么多朋友，我终于明白，没有人会真心对待你。每个人不管有多了解对方，多少年的好友，都带着自己的一副面具。到最后，受伤的是你，相信也是你，笨的也是你。说我自私，可是你有问过自己吗？ 你不自私吗？ 你会只想别人不想自己吗？ 你重来没有做过一个为了自己的利益的决定吗？你不自私吗？？你。。不累吗？ 我们都在互相欺骗自己。长得美吗，爽咯。长得丑吗，永远都比不上。现在每个人都只看外表，说好的内在美呢？ 有钱第一，没钱永远第二。如果你说，这世界是有好人的，那。。我找不到好人。我只好做一个好人。讲当然很容易，做就难了！ 

What if?

Now I know why people smoke up. I've been through it and as badass as it can sound, weed really can loosen things up. Not sure how you'll see it, but I take it as, loosing up all that stress and slow things down a little. I still remember that oral presentation on should marijuana be legalized. Well to me it's a yes if you and I can control our shits. Talk about addiction, I think that addiction is what makes weed so interesting. When will power dominates your desires, that's when you have an achievement unlocked, in my opinion though. I am looking forward to my next attempt.

Trials in two days (oh yes I'm talking about exams again fuck, do I have a life) and yeah, I'm here trying to do all last minute preparation. Finishing up all that leftover bits of assignments and science laboratory reports. I'm drooling for carefree days. However carefree means.. laziness and unproductivity. Man, gonna get my shits together this time. Some terrible cover of Wildest Dreams is playing behind this screen now. Not to criticize them, but indeed Tay tay did an amazing one.  It's not easy to sing like Tay tay.

Latest addiction besides weed will be.. babaqunaer (Dad, Where are we going) season 3! Can't describe my love for this reality series and my gratefulness for whoever created this. Not only the kids are cute, the episodes never get boring and every event means something, especially for the parents and kids. Watching it makes me related to myself and my parents. My relationship with my parents.. are not that strong and close. Especially my mum, I barely talk to her and now that I'm grown up, those heart to heart talks is almost close to.. zero. Seriously damn envy those who have fucking strong bonds and close ties with their family members. I am brought up this way, and I will forever be like that.

Currently struggling with a throat of soreness LEL I mean sore throat nigga. Feel like singing my lungs out but I can't. Not sure if I can even sing but I enjoy it. Karaoke mou after finals?!??! :D :D Anyway still hesitating whether to get a vape or not.. No big deal to some of you but it is to me. My own hard earn money man. What if I get bored of it.. What if vape makes my sore throat worse T.T What if I lose it.. What if people judge me..  What if my parents find out.. What if I get tired of hiding.. What if I spoil it.. What if I have no penny to fix it.. What if I don't make full use of it.. What if I will just regret my fucking decision?