Options?

Sorry guys, this is not gonna be a happy blog post so leave before we get all emotional. I already am but I don't want this to be a reason you smile less.

Options, choices. It's always good to have more than an option, right?  How about being an option? People choose you, people do not choose you too. This world has its evilest way of killing you, by making you someone's option, and just in case you don't feel the pain, you are made second option. 

Come to think of it, being someone's option AT LEAST, makes everything sound better. Yes, this is exactly how the world kills you and burns you an inch deeper as if you are not dead enough. I thought I had never been a thinker, but I guess the thinker in me is growing up. Here I am, spilling things on a fucking blog instead of doing the real shit. 

If I have to be the second option, can I not be an option at all? Because both hurt equally, after all. Left hand side equals to right hand side, bingo, they both stab you equally deep, maybe just at a different rate and with different weapons. Comparatively, not being an option should be the less deadly one. Slightly less, I guess? 

Waking up in the morning thinking that you're Not an option gives you a reason to stop all expectations. But waking up day after day, still believing that you Are the second/third/fourth/fifth/last option, really can tear you up into shredded pieces when expectation are too far to realize. In other words, as long as you still hold onto being 'an option', most of the time you'll be fucked left right center when you don't get what you want. 

How much more cruel can this world be? Everytime something like this hits me, I thought it was the worst things can be. I thought okay, this is so bad nothing can be worse. But the world is spinning, same goes to us. Things come and go, what stays will be, lessons? experience? I don't know. Hurt, yes that stays. It stays, it sinks in eventually. 

I know I look strong like someone you cannot hurt. Sorry, but I will be the one you hurt the most when you think you did no shit. Keep hurting me, my blood shall stain you like lessons. Let see how it goes. 

If I'm second option, make me zero option. 

以后别做朋友

背景里播着的歌，突然变成最适合自己的一首歌。 我们熬过了这么多，我重没想过我们会有今天。来到今天， 我已经受够了。想回去以前刚认识你的时候，我并不太喜欢你的个性。感情可以培养，感情也可以淡化。时间带着我们培养感情，时间也是把感情毁掉的那个。 和你培养的感情虽然挺深，可是你给我的失望尽然更深。我觉得我这个决定应该是最正确的，因为不是第一次了。你来来去去，说走就走，说要就要，你也太自私了吧。我的确要你学会自私，学会玩弄自己的感情，学会欺骗自己，学会欺负自己，学会丢下自己，学会对自己不理不睬，因为这一切你都学会做在我身上。我，到底做错什么？

有话不早说，有感情不早讲，没感情也不早讲。我不怪你，我们都有错。我错在容易心暖，我错在信任你，我错在盲了眼睛，我错在遇见你，我错在爱上你。对不起，也许我会后悔这个决定，可是再继续伤害彼此的话，我们都会后悔。我们在彼此的生活里都留下了疤痕， 留下了回忆。好的回忆不多，坏的回忆也不少。我舍得吗？真的舍得吗？？ 我根本没有想过会失去你。我没有准备一幅失去你之后可以参考的地图，更没有预想到没有你的日子怎么过。这辈子遇到的朋友，来来去去，留下的只有几个。而你，是我要留下的。可是老天爷把我们分开了，应该再也回不去以前。

你说中了，那天晚上，是我最开心的一天。远距离的欣赏真的可以很残酷。看见你在面前，却不可以关心你。心里面的空虚，想念，都在一个晚上没有了。也许我们没有缘分，老天爷给了我你的存在，可是明天就把你没收了。你不会明白，而且我自己也不明白，我到底流的是什么泪，我到底是为谁流泪。你有你的难过，我有我的难过。别想念我，别告诉我，别记得我。我们真的真的真的是错误。

我没有放弃这段友情，我放弃伤害自己。我真的有心软，我真的放不下。放过彼此吧，勉强没有幸福。我会紧紧握着我们有过的回忆，轻轻放下培养过的感情。我希望你会找到属于自己的一份开心，一份满足，一个依靠，一个拥抱。

忘记你是不可能的，可是放下你，我已经办到了。对不起谢谢。

Lessons

Everyone comes into our lives for a reason. Either a blessing, or a lesson. You were a blessing at first, but I was a fool, you became a lesson. First of all, fuck my feelings. Feelings are so unnecessary, but at the same time, without feelings, we won't know how to love and appreciate. You know what is the most heartbreaking thing? I thought the feelings were small, but you managed to hold it tight in your hands, playing it all around, and one fine day, you toss it on the ground and left without looking back. From the strongest person I was, I became the most vulnerable piece of shit crying tears for someone who will not give a fuck.

Why is it so hard to not fall in love? Why is it so easily to fall out of love? Feelings. Fuck them hard, my feelings grow fast, fade faster. Since day one, I have been asking you the same question again and again. You denied it, you fucking denied it. You're selfish, and all you think about is to seek attention and pleasure from other's weaknesses. You're more than an asshole. Don't blame me for saying all these, because you don't give a fuck after all. You were misleading. I had my precautions, but you led me on. I was stupid, to even make friends with a person like you. Acting all emotional, acting all depressed, you're just another attention-seeking hoe.

No one could understand you, and it seemed like only I did. I thought I did too, but I think you don't even understand what humans are made of. Feelings, we all have fucking feelings, not just you. When you assume you are able to help someone, to be fair to someone and to not hurt someone merely by ignoring them, you're wrong at all levels. The more you care about someone, the more you should be sharing with them, tell them what you really feel. You had no balls, well obviously, I don't blame you for that. You had zero guts to open up to me, plus you were laughing away. Correct me if I'm wrong, but you're a loser.

You made things sounded like, you're all innocent and helpless. You always claim that it is your fault. Wake the fuck up man, it has nothing to do w faults. You think that blaming yourself in front of me can make you less guilty? You're so pathetically pitiful, If you think that hiding the truth is the solution to not hurting other people, you're brainless.  After revealing the truth and I did not react to the way you planned, you started blaming yourself for even telling me. What the fuck. You are so fucking selfish. You keep everything to yourself, thinking that people won't get hurt, and act like you're so fucking emotionally injured. What hurts most is faking in front of each other. It's like wasting everyone's time. Just be true to yourself. Its such a shame, that you cannot even do things truthfully for yourself. Your feelings say A, your actions do B.

What breaks me the most is after a month of unknown silence, you come back telling me oh I just wanted to be fair to you, not to hurt you that's why I kept distance from you. Yeah, I totally understand, maybe you were having fun playing with my feelings, that's why you didn't bother. You're wrong, you're insane, you're psycho, you're ignorant. You are no fucking one to play with anyone's feelings like this.

I hope I can be a lesson in your life. When you play with fire, you will burn yourself. I am aware that I am no loss to your life, Without me you will still be the fake-smiling loud-speaking attention-seeking little hoe. Continue being you, I am moving on :)