Semester break has not been productive for the past two weeks. So much to achieve, so much money to earn, so much to spend as well. I'm here today to share some feelings. Just a few days ago some shit happened and hit me a little. A girl rumored to be an a-level student in Sunway jumped off the new university building, and she did not survive it. I was at work when my whatsapp and facebook feed was filled every corner with news of this heartbreaking story. I told myself I was going to blog about it right after work on that day itself, but sleep became priority. 

Before I move further on, from deep down my heart, I feel sorry. This girl, tho I have no idea who is she, must have been going through fucking a lot to have come to this decision to end her life. Apparently, she was prepared. Physically prepared, maybe mentally as well. Dressed in full black, just as the evening light fades, she took a jump, and landed peacefully, according to the news. Hey there, despite all that you've been going through, now, I'm sure you're in a better place. All that burden on your shoulders, all that stress in and out of you, all that misery making your life upside down, will no longer be your obstacles. I feel sorry for her loved ones, but if only I knew the reason behind this suicide, maybe things will be different. I had a friend who commented about how bad the location was for her to jump. She landed at the open-air drop off area, vehicles come and go all day long, not just that, its the pathway connecting two university buildings, students fill every part of that area. Imagine, you witnessed the jump. Minority will be alright, but I'm pretty sure majority will be disturbed in any sense. University is like a second-home, not sure about others, but it sure is to me. But what the heck, people take your second-home as a suicidal ground. Let's just pray that everyone part of this university and community will be alright, especially those who witnessed. My parents even reminded me not to stay up late in college anymore, as things won't be the same like it used to be. Thankfully, I'm on semester break, otherwise, I would probably have jumped after her. 

Committing suicide, has become a norm. Self-harm comes in place as we talk about this. Everyone around me, seem to be self-harming. I don't know, it does sound exaggerating, but look closely, there are actually many people around you who are not truly sincerely happy deep down their hearts. I have my personal views on this. Self-harming can come from many reasons, reasons as simply as, judgement, in general. People get so fucking judgemental these days. Just because you're less good-looking, less rich, less iPhones, less followers, less likes, less thigh gaps, you automatically become lesser bit of a human being. If you're ugly, you're not treated like human being. What the fuck is wrong with this world. I also have friends who self harm due to relationship problems, studies as well as family problems. Self harm, is new to me. I'm most probably going to end up like any other of my friends who self harm. 

It's not scary, but instead it breaks my heart when I see people around me self harming one after another. This world is already terrifying enough. My little world here, likewise, is very fucked up as well. Self harm and suicidal thoughts do hit me at times, even just the smallest things I start to feel worthless. No one gives a fuck. I know there are some who do, if you are reading this, thank you. I appreciate that, I wish you guys well and be safe. Don't bother asking about me anymore, because I am not used to be cared for. I'm always picking up my own shits, and burying into myself. I'm trying of faking myself. Everytime someone asks me are you okay, I will reply I'm good, but wtf I'm not. Might as well don't ask me, because it won't be any better. It's not wrong to ask, but it all comes to myself, me fighting with myself. 

Shout-out to all those who are going through self harm, stay strong. I know I am no one to be saying this, because I too am not strong, but just push yourself to your limits. Do not give up easily, things may be bad, but always prepare for the worst. People may be assholes, but be sure to hold on your asshole and embrace more shits.