Semester break has not been productive for the past two weeks. So much to achieve, so much money to earn, so much to spend as well. I'm here today to share some feelings. Just a few days ago some shit happened and hit me a little. A girl rumored to be an a-level student in Sunway jumped off the new university building, and she did not survive it. I was at work when my whatsapp and facebook feed was filled every corner with news of this heartbreaking story. I told myself I was going to blog about it right after work on that day itself, but sleep became priority. 

Before I move further on, from deep down my heart, I feel sorry. This girl, tho I have no idea who is she, must have been going through fucking a lot to have come to this decision to end her life. Apparently, she was prepared. Physically prepared, maybe mentally as well. Dressed in full black, just as the evening light fades, she took a jump, and landed peacefully, according to the news. Hey there, despite all that you've been going through, now, I'm sure you're in a better place. All that burden on your shoulders, all that stress in and out of you, all that misery making your life upside down, will no longer be your obstacles. I feel sorry for her loved ones, but if only I knew the reason behind this suicide, maybe things will be different. I had a friend who commented about how bad the location was for her to jump. She landed at the open-air drop off area, vehicles come and go all day long, not just that, its the pathway connecting two university buildings, students fill every part of that area. Imagine, you witnessed the jump. Minority will be alright, but I'm pretty sure majority will be disturbed in any sense. University is like a second-home, not sure about others, but it sure is to me. But what the heck, people take your second-home as a suicidal ground. Let's just pray that everyone part of this university and community will be alright, especially those who witnessed. My parents even reminded me not to stay up late in college anymore, as things won't be the same like it used to be. Thankfully, I'm on semester break, otherwise, I would probably have jumped after her. 

Committing suicide, has become a norm. Self-harm comes in place as we talk about this. Everyone around me, seem to be self-harming. I don't know, it does sound exaggerating, but look closely, there are actually many people around you who are not truly sincerely happy deep down their hearts. I have my personal views on this. Self-harming can come from many reasons, reasons as simply as, judgement, in general. People get so fucking judgemental these days. Just because you're less good-looking, less rich, less iPhones, less followers, less likes, less thigh gaps, you automatically become lesser bit of a human being. If you're ugly, you're not treated like human being. What the fuck is wrong with this world. I also have friends who self harm due to relationship problems, studies as well as family problems. Self harm, is new to me. I'm most probably going to end up like any other of my friends who self harm. 

It's not scary, but instead it breaks my heart when I see people around me self harming one after another. This world is already terrifying enough. My little world here, likewise, is very fucked up as well. Self harm and suicidal thoughts do hit me at times, even just the smallest things I start to feel worthless. No one gives a fuck. I know there are some who do, if you are reading this, thank you. I appreciate that, I wish you guys well and be safe. Don't bother asking about me anymore, because I am not used to be cared for. I'm always picking up my own shits, and burying into myself. I'm trying of faking myself. Everytime someone asks me are you okay, I will reply I'm good, but wtf I'm not. Might as well don't ask me, because it won't be any better. It's not wrong to ask, but it all comes to myself, me fighting with myself. 

Shout-out to all those who are going through self harm, stay strong. I know I am no one to be saying this, because I too am not strong, but just push yourself to your limits. Do not give up easily, things may be bad, but always prepare for the worst. People may be assholes, but be sure to hold on your asshole and embrace more shits. 

我让你

As the title states, it means that, I'll let you, I will take one step back to fulfill you and your desires. For your sake, I will let go of what used to be mine. For your benefits, I sacrifice myself. Take my place, for your own advantages. Just, take it, stay, and I'll leave. 

Just wrapped up my semester one finals yesterday afternoon. Last paper was physics, it turned out way tougher than all the past year papers I did total up, and crazy short of time during the exam itself. I screwed it up just like how I did for Advanced Mathematics, there's nothing much I can do about it. I really pray for the best for my mates and myself. Now that semester break has begun, daily routines will change, and goals to achieve will continue its progress. Long before my finals, I was already drooling for carefree days like these. Now that I have finally struggled and dragged myself through a semester, thinking that I could finally get back to work without worrying about exams and 8AM lectures, but life just has to be such a fucktard, another bitch has found its way into my life. 

I am so fucking tired, and I have been repeating this again and again. I have no idea why you would do this, but its your decision and your rights so, go ahead. I'm pretty damn sure you did not consider ANY of the consequences of your actions. You have never thought of what your decision will cause, and what others feel about it.You are indeed selfish, inconsiderate, and again, self-centered. You don't care what others say. Even if you did ask for my opinion, but behind everything, you have already made a decision of your own, assuming that people are stupid, people won't find out about it. Hello, I'm not stupid you know. The things that you don't want me to find out, I know it the moment you do it. Trying to make everyone else a fool and you be the winner? Yeah, you won. The game is yours, everyone else died, victory goes to you. Bravo, you are awesome. Amazingly beautiful, but stabbing me deep in my heart.  So much love, so much lies. 

I was waiting for the day you would officially clarify whatever you've been hiding back there. Waiting, and waiting. Nope, no fucks given. So much gossiping, and underdogs back there, like I stupid like that. Seriously? Sigh. I already stood firm w myself, I said no. Since you insists, all I could now, is leave. There's are many reason why so, but you won't understand and you won't  listen anyway. I know it best where these  reasons come from, and I know I have made a wise decision for leaving. Just go ahead, have all the fun you want, I'm alright man. 

I bet you're tired of this, right. Trust me, I'm more disappointed and tired than you. I don't know how long more I can hold on, but I hope you're trying. Everytime I ask if there's anything you have not told me, you say no. It's so heartbreaking to hear that, but just as the saying goes. Some people are like pieces of sandpaper, they may be rough to deal with, but in the end of the day, you will be sharpened, while they remain as a piece of useless sandpaper. Beautifully quoted, absolutely accurate. Not sure will you be reading this, but if you are, please do keep it to yourself, just as what you have been doing.. all these while.