Broken

Everything is breaking apart. Like all at once. Last night my phone screen broke, more like cracked when I dropped it on the floor. It fell and lied face down on the floor. The moment I flipped it over as I picked it up, my heart was close to breaking because its the first ever biggest damage that has happened to so many phones I have used in my life. Urgh, was so shocked and speechless. Now im stuck here, I dont know how to approach my dad and tell him about this. I'll probably get the scolding, well im ready for it, but what matters most is I get the money and get this fixed. No, im not gonna hope for new phone.  New stuff come w conditions, and I'm so tired of it. So nevermind.

What else is breaking? The bonds between me and my buddies are breaking. I hope the bonds we have built can be as strong as before I go for NS. Fuck, NS in less than 4 days. Feeling more unprepared than excited. Gonna be away for two months or so, I really hope I still have friends when I come back. Sigh, hope its gonna be a pleasant experience.  Bye guys, do not miss me.

I heard it. My heart broke. Tough on the outside but broken in the inside, that is me. I dont know what broke my heart. I should have stopped the feelings from growing. I.. am so fucked up.

No place to go

I hate how I can't find a place to rant or let out my feelings or put my feelings into words on social media. I deactivated twitter. So I'm left w facebook insta or wechat. None of them are in my comfort zone. Maybe im just too much to myself. I dont share. But srsly, you wanna rant but u cant find a place to, and yes this feeling sucks. It sucks.

I hate how I cant stop feeling like this. I am human and I have feelings. Deep down in my heart I am crying, sometimes I am physically crying too, but I cannot show or tell. Going for national service is probably part of God's plan to save me. I need time to really think. shit you all and all that shit that has happened and that is still happening.

Sometimes im just so helpless I break into tears. I still cannot figure out why God put me into this.  I'm so irritated because I cannot help not feeling hurt. I'm pissed at myself that I cant control my feelings. My feelings dominate, and it kills me.

Fuck you feelings. Fuck you and you and you and you. Urgh, I'm crying as I write this. Im lying on my bed w body turned to one side. My tears drop sideways, through my nose and into my the other eye. I was still in a dilemma about ns. But now I wanna go and leave this shit place. I want my life back. Sorry to say this, I already lost that courage to go on. I'm a loser and I'm giving up. Just, get out of my life, please.

Looks LOOKS L O O K S

Nowadays everyone is so beauty conscious or whatever you call it. All they see in their friends are good looks and attractive outward appearances fullstop.

If you're not born w good looks, or at least decent, you will either lead a tough life or live transparently or die of loneliness eventually. Nah, just exaggerating. But in reality such things do happen,  I guess.

I understand why koreans are so health and beauty conscious. They want the perfect face and perfect body. Because it is a fact that everyone judges people by looks first, then followed by inner beauty, sometimes.

Sigh, everyone is beautiful in their own ways. You just need the right person to see it. 

Family first

Studies, responsibilities, friendship, dealing w people and whatsoever bullshit it is, but my FAMILY comes first.

I will sacrifice anything for my family. When no one is home to take care of my sister, I will skip all shit plans to do it. I dont give a damn about who you are and what occasion it is. So will you, right?

If you think these are inconsiderate and selfish actions, well go ahead. I think it is prioritisation. I know what's important and what doesnt deserve a fark.

Afterall you put me in this damn situation. I did not want it at all. I did my best and I like it. God created me this way so im gonna live this way.

YOLO, you only live once. So give love and attention to things that deserves them only.

Please stop talking about people on other social media websites and assuming that people are unaware and ignorant. What goes around comes around, you know?

If you won't say it face-to-face, do not say it online. Bye. God bless.

Fragility

Before another hectic week kicks off, I would like to share about what has happened lately.

After the tragedy of MH17 being shot down and nearly 300 lives were sacrificed, I realised that life is so so so fragile. You maybe alive this second,  but the next second you might be dead. You may think that you'll live happily ever after, and always be with the people you love, but no, what is coming tomorrow, no one knows.

Yesterday I was scrolling through facebook news feed and came across a few posts about accidents, death, sorrow and basically about losing your loved ones. Speaking about road accidents,  I almost got myself into one. It was a friday night, and I was driving together with 3 other friends in my car at chow yang. I signalled left and was about to  turn. I didnt notice a motorbike in my side mirror at all, it just popped up of nowhere. If I was turning fast, I would have definitely knocked onto him. Thank goodness I wasn't, I was turning pretty slowly since I was patiently looking for a parking spot. Thank God I reacted quick enough to step on the breaks. It may sound like a very common situation, but for me as a greenhorn in driving, this is absolutely no joke.

Apart from that, everyone is also talking about cdm25. Many radio stations recorded apology sessions by the woman to the uncle. After listening to Hitzfm's, my heart was touched. The uncle was so so kind-hearted. "Saya seorang yg beragama Kristian dan agama saya ajar saya untuk memaafkan orang yg buat salah. I will forgive and forget." he said. I think this deserves an Amen! God is so good. Thank you uncle. If it was otherwise, Malaysia wont be peaceful. I hope that woman learns a lesson.

"You can't be good enough for everyone, but you can be the best for the one who deserves you."

Doomed

Im so so so doomed! All three sciences are at stake. Worst is sejarah. Feel like going for sejarah tuition but I always tell myself, never rely on tuition knowing how costly it is nowadays.

I dont think I actually suck that badly in history subject. I'm just plain lazy to read and understand and read and practice again. When it comes to consistency in studying and revision, I have absolutely none of that.

I have a feeling that I will screw up my sejarah papers so badly. very very badly. I have no idea how people remember it so well. I remember formulas much better than history related names places dates terms and more. Useless piece of shit la me.

Marching is coming, so is trials. Im screwed in the face. Oh and I heard the form 4s do not have paper 3 for all three sciences now. What a blessing I mean seriously. Isn't that the way to learn science? Which idiot even created paper 3? It should come w practical exams. Sounds scary? its scarier when you realise you learn absolutely nothing after memorising tons of experiments by heart. Going hands on is the way lah. Do I make sense?

Ciaos, God bless.

Confidence 信心

Lets talk about confidence. Confidence is the best make up and I totally agree. One who is confident is definitely less vulnerable.

Do not wait for things to make you feel confident, feel confident yourself. Because no one but only you know yourself best.

Confidence is something so abstract yet so so so powerful like a shield, nothing goes through. We always hear people say Oh as long as you are beautiful inside no one will judge you. Sadly no. Time to be realistic now. Accept your looks your weaknesses your inabilities and stop blaming God or your parents becausw there will be no effect.

When people judge you for your looks, all you can do is shut those ears, get out of it and put on a layer of confidence. Hating them will not stop them from judging. So why not you take that first step yourself.

Do not wait for things to make you confident, be confident at all times even if you are at your weakest point. Whether you can do it or not, fail or succeed, it will only be revealed if you try. However this is easier said than done. Sigh.

Good deeds good returns

Do I believe in good deeds receiving good returns? Honestly I don't know. Believing in God makes me think its true, but Mr. Reality tells me no.

In my experience, there were barely any good returns after doing something kind. Its not that I take returns so importantly, but it exist for a purpose, you know. It motivates people to move on in life. It encourages people to do more good deeds.

Good returns doesnt necessarily neee to  be in terms of money or goods. Even a simple thank you can make a person's day. I tend to get tired of people who are reluctant to say sorry or thank you because God gave you the ability to speak, make full use of it. Action is stronger than words, or vice versa. Who am I to say this, because I do it sometimes. Sorry, I'm trying to learn and grow thru my life now.

Don't be shy to express yourself because you only live once. Once is enough if you do it the right way.

Conceal, don't feel.

Its been hours since then. Im still so confused. I know my mistake, but I dont know my mistake at the same time. Im perfectly okay if I fail. Its the consequences after failing, the weight you have to carry, the blame you have to take, yes, those are the ones that kill you deeply.

I don't wanna hide, neither do I wanna share. My failure, is mine. Why must it trouble other people? God, I need peace. Thank You for blessing me, loving me. Everyone makes mistakes right? I know it.

Rising on your feet after falling is what life is all about.