Selfish

I was so surprised. I was expecting something, yes I totally was. Expectations lead to disappointment. It was worse than disappointment, it was pure heartbreak. I am constantly questioning myself, what have I ever done to you that you have to treat me like this? Initially I blame myself, but had no answers and response from you. Eventually, I am blaming you, and I really hate you to the core.

Your face looked restless. I don't know what are you up to, and I don't really care. My decision of shaking my head was right. You do not deserve my help. You didn't even bother to ask anything, not even a simple hi. I expected a Hi, well, that's all. You said absolutely nothing. You obviously are taking advantage of me, making use of my kindness and taking me for granted. At this point, I don't mind if you stab me in the heart, I really won't feel any pain. Because you have already hurt me so many times, I don't mind one last time if it's for the good of both parties.

You are so selfish. I don't know if you were conscious when you said you were serious about this shit. I bet you were not, but that's not the problem. The real problem is I trusted you. The little me inside knew that you're lying and telling me not to fall for it again, but another me just decided to suicide. I was proud that you finally woke up, but it was all lies. It's like I just suffered a bad cancer, suppressed with medication, but one day I just forgot to take the medication and pulled myself closer to death once again.

I guess we are not meant for each other. Am I speaking too soon? It's hard to tell when the other party doesn't give a flying fuck about your feelings. Here's everything I wanna throw in your face. Please, for fuck sake, stop playing with my feelings and making use of me. It seems like you found your comfort zone in uni, and if that's the reason you're ignoring me, then please fuck off to your uni. You and your ego should burn in hell. I don't know if your mother brought you up to play around w girls like this, or is it your father? Shame on you. I don't care how desperate you are, who the fuck are you to do this? You take more than you give. You raise voices for all unnecessary reasons. I believe you have a kind heart, even until now. It's me, for being someone easy for you to bully.

I still love you, that's bullshit. I hate you, please some car knock die you, now, tomorrow, asap.
 

Fix you, not

After I don't know eight long months of silence, finally things decided to go back to what it was. I don't know if this was fated or what but it seems like I'm forever a weakness, vulnerable in your presence. When you thought things are finally in your control and you thought you fixed them well, some things with certain people just cannot never be fixed.

I don't understand why I should open up to someone who doesn't even bother talking to me. I don't see a point of being true to someone who cannot even be honest to himself. For the millionth time I have thought to myself, how true can your words be? Your words used to mean so much to me, but now, no matter how much honesty you force into every word you say, I cannot believe you the way I used to do. It isn't a trust issue, or maybe it is, but look, what are you doing?

I remember clearer than anything else the day you threw words in my face claiming how you will not make history repeat itself. Sorry lah but seems like you are trying to make the present worse than the history. I am not even asking for anything you know. All I ask for is to be honest with ourselves. Every word that I ever said to your face, was true. I have been trying so hard to believe half of all the bullshits you toss in my face. I seriously don't know how to trust you anymore. Actions speak louder than words, but in your case, no actions and words full of bullshit.

I will take the punishment for this once again. It took me so much courage and time to run slightly out of you, but just so little effort to run back into you for all the wrong reasons. Fuck my life seriously, what have I ever done to deserve this kind of dog treatment. I don't know why you can hurt someone again and again and again when her only objective was to make you happy. I hope I have the courage to say this in your face, but seriously, just be honest with yourself for once, stop playing with each others' feelings, and wasting time and effort for god damn motherfucking nothing in the end. Oh not nothing, but both broken hearts and torn up souls.

For fuck sake man, just leave me alone forever or show your true self. No one in this fucking world has the time to read minds and believe your half bullshitted words. First time believing in you was immature, second time will be stubbornness, but third will be pure stupidity. Fuck me.