Broken

Everything is breaking apart. Like all at once. Last night my phone screen broke, more like cracked when I dropped it on the floor. It fell and lied face down on the floor. The moment I flipped it over as I picked it up, my heart was close to breaking because its the first ever biggest damage that has happened to so many phones I have used in my life. Urgh, was so shocked and speechless. Now im stuck here, I dont know how to approach my dad and tell him about this. I'll probably get the scolding, well im ready for it, but what matters most is I get the money and get this fixed. No, im not gonna hope for new phone.  New stuff come w conditions, and I'm so tired of it. So nevermind.

What else is breaking? The bonds between me and my buddies are breaking. I hope the bonds we have built can be as strong as before I go for NS. Fuck, NS in less than 4 days. Feeling more unprepared than excited. Gonna be away for two months or so, I really hope I still have friends when I come back. Sigh, hope its gonna be a pleasant experience.  Bye guys, do not miss me.

I heard it. My heart broke. Tough on the outside but broken in the inside, that is me. I dont know what broke my heart. I should have stopped the feelings from growing. I.. am so fucked up.

No place to go

I hate how I can't find a place to rant or let out my feelings or put my feelings into words on social media. I deactivated twitter. So I'm left w facebook insta or wechat. None of them are in my comfort zone. Maybe im just too much to myself. I dont share. But srsly, you wanna rant but u cant find a place to, and yes this feeling sucks. It sucks.

I hate how I cant stop feeling like this. I am human and I have feelings. Deep down in my heart I am crying, sometimes I am physically crying too, but I cannot show or tell. Going for national service is probably part of God's plan to save me. I need time to really think. shit you all and all that shit that has happened and that is still happening.

Sometimes im just so helpless I break into tears. I still cannot figure out why God put me into this.  I'm so irritated because I cannot help not feeling hurt. I'm pissed at myself that I cant control my feelings. My feelings dominate, and it kills me.

Fuck you feelings. Fuck you and you and you and you. Urgh, I'm crying as I write this. Im lying on my bed w body turned to one side. My tears drop sideways, through my nose and into my the other eye. I was still in a dilemma about ns. But now I wanna go and leave this shit place. I want my life back. Sorry to say this, I already lost that courage to go on. I'm a loser and I'm giving up. Just, get out of my life, please.