Selfish

I was so surprised. I was expecting something, yes I totally was. Expectations lead to disappointment. It was worse than disappointment, it was pure heartbreak. I am constantly questioning myself, what have I ever done to you that you have to treat me like this? Initially I blame myself, but had no answers and response from you. Eventually, I am blaming you, and I really hate you to the core.

Your face looked restless. I don't know what are you up to, and I don't really care. My decision of shaking my head was right. You do not deserve my help. You didn't even bother to ask anything, not even a simple hi. I expected a Hi, well, that's all. You said absolutely nothing. You obviously are taking advantage of me, making use of my kindness and taking me for granted. At this point, I don't mind if you stab me in the heart, I really won't feel any pain. Because you have already hurt me so many times, I don't mind one last time if it's for the good of both parties.

You are so selfish. I don't know if you were conscious when you said you were serious about this shit. I bet you were not, but that's not the problem. The real problem is I trusted you. The little me inside knew that you're lying and telling me not to fall for it again, but another me just decided to suicide. I was proud that you finally woke up, but it was all lies. It's like I just suffered a bad cancer, suppressed with medication, but one day I just forgot to take the medication and pulled myself closer to death once again.

I guess we are not meant for each other. Am I speaking too soon? It's hard to tell when the other party doesn't give a flying fuck about your feelings. Here's everything I wanna throw in your face. Please, for fuck sake, stop playing with my feelings and making use of me. It seems like you found your comfort zone in uni, and if that's the reason you're ignoring me, then please fuck off to your uni. You and your ego should burn in hell. I don't know if your mother brought you up to play around w girls like this, or is it your father? Shame on you. I don't care how desperate you are, who the fuck are you to do this? You take more than you give. You raise voices for all unnecessary reasons. I believe you have a kind heart, even until now. It's me, for being someone easy for you to bully.

I still love you, that's bullshit. I hate you, please some car knock die you, now, tomorrow, asap.
 

Fix you, not

After I don't know eight long months of silence, finally things decided to go back to what it was. I don't know if this was fated or what but it seems like I'm forever a weakness, vulnerable in your presence. When you thought things are finally in your control and you thought you fixed them well, some things with certain people just cannot never be fixed.

I don't understand why I should open up to someone who doesn't even bother talking to me. I don't see a point of being true to someone who cannot even be honest to himself. For the millionth time I have thought to myself, how true can your words be? Your words used to mean so much to me, but now, no matter how much honesty you force into every word you say, I cannot believe you the way I used to do. It isn't a trust issue, or maybe it is, but look, what are you doing?

I remember clearer than anything else the day you threw words in my face claiming how you will not make history repeat itself. Sorry lah but seems like you are trying to make the present worse than the history. I am not even asking for anything you know. All I ask for is to be honest with ourselves. Every word that I ever said to your face, was true. I have been trying so hard to believe half of all the bullshits you toss in my face. I seriously don't know how to trust you anymore. Actions speak louder than words, but in your case, no actions and words full of bullshit.

I will take the punishment for this once again. It took me so much courage and time to run slightly out of you, but just so little effort to run back into you for all the wrong reasons. Fuck my life seriously, what have I ever done to deserve this kind of dog treatment. I don't know why you can hurt someone again and again and again when her only objective was to make you happy. I hope I have the courage to say this in your face, but seriously, just be honest with yourself for once, stop playing with each others' feelings, and wasting time and effort for god damn motherfucking nothing in the end. Oh not nothing, but both broken hearts and torn up souls.

For fuck sake man, just leave me alone forever or show your true self. No one in this fucking world has the time to read minds and believe your half bullshitted words. First time believing in you was immature, second time will be stubbornness, but third will be pure stupidity. Fuck me.

Options?

Sorry guys, this is not gonna be a happy blog post so leave before we get all emotional. I already am but I don't want this to be a reason you smile less.

Options, choices. It's always good to have more than an option, right?  How about being an option? People choose you, people do not choose you too. This world has its evilest way of killing you, by making you someone's option, and just in case you don't feel the pain, you are made second option. 

Come to think of it, being someone's option AT LEAST, makes everything sound better. Yes, this is exactly how the world kills you and burns you an inch deeper as if you are not dead enough. I thought I had never been a thinker, but I guess the thinker in me is growing up. Here I am, spilling things on a fucking blog instead of doing the real shit. 

If I have to be the second option, can I not be an option at all? Because both hurt equally, after all. Left hand side equals to right hand side, bingo, they both stab you equally deep, maybe just at a different rate and with different weapons. Comparatively, not being an option should be the less deadly one. Slightly less, I guess? 

Waking up in the morning thinking that you're Not an option gives you a reason to stop all expectations. But waking up day after day, still believing that you Are the second/third/fourth/fifth/last option, really can tear you up into shredded pieces when expectation are too far to realize. In other words, as long as you still hold onto being 'an option', most of the time you'll be fucked left right center when you don't get what you want. 

How much more cruel can this world be? Everytime something like this hits me, I thought it was the worst things can be. I thought okay, this is so bad nothing can be worse. But the world is spinning, same goes to us. Things come and go, what stays will be, lessons? experience? I don't know. Hurt, yes that stays. It stays, it sinks in eventually. 

I know I look strong like someone you cannot hurt. Sorry, but I will be the one you hurt the most when you think you did no shit. Keep hurting me, my blood shall stain you like lessons. Let see how it goes. 

If I'm second option, make me zero option. 

以后别做朋友

背景里播着的歌，突然变成最适合自己的一首歌。 我们熬过了这么多，我重没想过我们会有今天。来到今天， 我已经受够了。想回去以前刚认识你的时候，我并不太喜欢你的个性。感情可以培养，感情也可以淡化。时间带着我们培养感情，时间也是把感情毁掉的那个。 和你培养的感情虽然挺深，可是你给我的失望尽然更深。我觉得我这个决定应该是最正确的，因为不是第一次了。你来来去去，说走就走，说要就要，你也太自私了吧。我的确要你学会自私，学会玩弄自己的感情，学会欺骗自己，学会欺负自己，学会丢下自己，学会对自己不理不睬，因为这一切你都学会做在我身上。我，到底做错什么？

有话不早说，有感情不早讲，没感情也不早讲。我不怪你，我们都有错。我错在容易心暖，我错在信任你，我错在盲了眼睛，我错在遇见你，我错在爱上你。对不起，也许我会后悔这个决定，可是再继续伤害彼此的话，我们都会后悔。我们在彼此的生活里都留下了疤痕， 留下了回忆。好的回忆不多，坏的回忆也不少。我舍得吗？真的舍得吗？？ 我根本没有想过会失去你。我没有准备一幅失去你之后可以参考的地图，更没有预想到没有你的日子怎么过。这辈子遇到的朋友，来来去去，留下的只有几个。而你，是我要留下的。可是老天爷把我们分开了，应该再也回不去以前。

你说中了，那天晚上，是我最开心的一天。远距离的欣赏真的可以很残酷。看见你在面前，却不可以关心你。心里面的空虚，想念，都在一个晚上没有了。也许我们没有缘分，老天爷给了我你的存在，可是明天就把你没收了。你不会明白，而且我自己也不明白，我到底流的是什么泪，我到底是为谁流泪。你有你的难过，我有我的难过。别想念我，别告诉我，别记得我。我们真的真的真的是错误。

我没有放弃这段友情，我放弃伤害自己。我真的有心软，我真的放不下。放过彼此吧，勉强没有幸福。我会紧紧握着我们有过的回忆，轻轻放下培养过的感情。我希望你会找到属于自己的一份开心，一份满足，一个依靠，一个拥抱。

忘记你是不可能的，可是放下你，我已经办到了。对不起谢谢。

Lessons

Everyone comes into our lives for a reason. Either a blessing, or a lesson. You were a blessing at first, but I was a fool, you became a lesson. First of all, fuck my feelings. Feelings are so unnecessary, but at the same time, without feelings, we won't know how to love and appreciate. You know what is the most heartbreaking thing? I thought the feelings were small, but you managed to hold it tight in your hands, playing it all around, and one fine day, you toss it on the ground and left without looking back. From the strongest person I was, I became the most vulnerable piece of shit crying tears for someone who will not give a fuck.

Why is it so hard to not fall in love? Why is it so easily to fall out of love? Feelings. Fuck them hard, my feelings grow fast, fade faster. Since day one, I have been asking you the same question again and again. You denied it, you fucking denied it. You're selfish, and all you think about is to seek attention and pleasure from other's weaknesses. You're more than an asshole. Don't blame me for saying all these, because you don't give a fuck after all. You were misleading. I had my precautions, but you led me on. I was stupid, to even make friends with a person like you. Acting all emotional, acting all depressed, you're just another attention-seeking hoe.

No one could understand you, and it seemed like only I did. I thought I did too, but I think you don't even understand what humans are made of. Feelings, we all have fucking feelings, not just you. When you assume you are able to help someone, to be fair to someone and to not hurt someone merely by ignoring them, you're wrong at all levels. The more you care about someone, the more you should be sharing with them, tell them what you really feel. You had no balls, well obviously, I don't blame you for that. You had zero guts to open up to me, plus you were laughing away. Correct me if I'm wrong, but you're a loser.

You made things sounded like, you're all innocent and helpless. You always claim that it is your fault. Wake the fuck up man, it has nothing to do w faults. You think that blaming yourself in front of me can make you less guilty? You're so pathetically pitiful, If you think that hiding the truth is the solution to not hurting other people, you're brainless.  After revealing the truth and I did not react to the way you planned, you started blaming yourself for even telling me. What the fuck. You are so fucking selfish. You keep everything to yourself, thinking that people won't get hurt, and act like you're so fucking emotionally injured. What hurts most is faking in front of each other. It's like wasting everyone's time. Just be true to yourself. Its such a shame, that you cannot even do things truthfully for yourself. Your feelings say A, your actions do B.

What breaks me the most is after a month of unknown silence, you come back telling me oh I just wanted to be fair to you, not to hurt you that's why I kept distance from you. Yeah, I totally understand, maybe you were having fun playing with my feelings, that's why you didn't bother. You're wrong, you're insane, you're psycho, you're ignorant. You are no fucking one to play with anyone's feelings like this.

I hope I can be a lesson in your life. When you play with fire, you will burn yourself. I am aware that I am no loss to your life, Without me you will still be the fake-smiling loud-speaking attention-seeking little hoe. Continue being you, I am moving on :)

Silence

I'm so tired. Physically for now. Just got home at 6AM. Lying speechless on my bed after getting all the scoldings from both my parents because I live a life like I don't have a home, according to them. Despite having to go against my parents a lil, which honestly I don't feel good either, but in every conversation/nagging session w my parents, my mind tells me to remain silent.

Every question they toss at me, I just remain speechless. I don't know what to say, what more to defend myself. I am not really a verbally defensive person, I rather take in everything people say, and eventually forget if I don't give a fuck.

I know I have been taking their trust on me for granted. I don't know really, but I'm pretty sure they trusted me enough to have given me this much freedom. It's almost unbelievable that I have never had a curfew. By curfew I mean, restrictions on what time to be home. As good as it may sound, too much freedom can be bad. I get too much trust and freedom to the extend that I feel lack of attention from my parents. I feel like they don't care, enough.

Hereby I just want to apologise to both my parents, I do things very irresponsibly. I don't open up to them much, in fact too damn little. I don't even talk to my mum. I always go towards my dad. At the same time, I'm grateful when comparing myself w other kids, because I have parents like this. I believe its the way they bring me up, and the way I was brought up. They brought me up to study well and take academics seriously, and in turn I maintain my best in my studies. I am not like super genius but I'm not failing.

However, I know. My actions always go overboard. I do things like I forgot I have parents. The conversations on whatsapp w my parents is like a monolog, its only them talking to me, especially my mum.

Ugh, so fucking tired seeing the sun rising above my head. Another day has passed and a new day is approaching. This means, I have to see the same people again at work. I have to face the same nonsense from them, hear the same gossips, and hurting my own feelings because of my own stupidity, again.

Semester break has not been productive for the past two weeks. So much to achieve, so much money to earn, so much to spend as well. I'm here today to share some feelings. Just a few days ago some shit happened and hit me a little. A girl rumored to be an a-level student in Sunway jumped off the new university building, and she did not survive it. I was at work when my whatsapp and facebook feed was filled every corner with news of this heartbreaking story. I told myself I was going to blog about it right after work on that day itself, but sleep became priority. 

Before I move further on, from deep down my heart, I feel sorry. This girl, tho I have no idea who is she, must have been going through fucking a lot to have come to this decision to end her life. Apparently, she was prepared. Physically prepared, maybe mentally as well. Dressed in full black, just as the evening light fades, she took a jump, and landed peacefully, according to the news. Hey there, despite all that you've been going through, now, I'm sure you're in a better place. All that burden on your shoulders, all that stress in and out of you, all that misery making your life upside down, will no longer be your obstacles. I feel sorry for her loved ones, but if only I knew the reason behind this suicide, maybe things will be different. I had a friend who commented about how bad the location was for her to jump. She landed at the open-air drop off area, vehicles come and go all day long, not just that, its the pathway connecting two university buildings, students fill every part of that area. Imagine, you witnessed the jump. Minority will be alright, but I'm pretty sure majority will be disturbed in any sense. University is like a second-home, not sure about others, but it sure is to me. But what the heck, people take your second-home as a suicidal ground. Let's just pray that everyone part of this university and community will be alright, especially those who witnessed. My parents even reminded me not to stay up late in college anymore, as things won't be the same like it used to be. Thankfully, I'm on semester break, otherwise, I would probably have jumped after her. 

Committing suicide, has become a norm. Self-harm comes in place as we talk about this. Everyone around me, seem to be self-harming. I don't know, it does sound exaggerating, but look closely, there are actually many people around you who are not truly sincerely happy deep down their hearts. I have my personal views on this. Self-harming can come from many reasons, reasons as simply as, judgement, in general. People get so fucking judgemental these days. Just because you're less good-looking, less rich, less iPhones, less followers, less likes, less thigh gaps, you automatically become lesser bit of a human being. If you're ugly, you're not treated like human being. What the fuck is wrong with this world. I also have friends who self harm due to relationship problems, studies as well as family problems. Self harm, is new to me. I'm most probably going to end up like any other of my friends who self harm. 

It's not scary, but instead it breaks my heart when I see people around me self harming one after another. This world is already terrifying enough. My little world here, likewise, is very fucked up as well. Self harm and suicidal thoughts do hit me at times, even just the smallest things I start to feel worthless. No one gives a fuck. I know there are some who do, if you are reading this, thank you. I appreciate that, I wish you guys well and be safe. Don't bother asking about me anymore, because I am not used to be cared for. I'm always picking up my own shits, and burying into myself. I'm trying of faking myself. Everytime someone asks me are you okay, I will reply I'm good, but wtf I'm not. Might as well don't ask me, because it won't be any better. It's not wrong to ask, but it all comes to myself, me fighting with myself. 

Shout-out to all those who are going through self harm, stay strong. I know I am no one to be saying this, because I too am not strong, but just push yourself to your limits. Do not give up easily, things may be bad, but always prepare for the worst. People may be assholes, but be sure to hold on your asshole and embrace more shits.