Am I living this life the right way?

2:16 AM
Chemistry exam at 8 AM later and not like I have done my revision. I am not even close to done. I grow less and less interest in Chemistry at this moment. Prolly because of this subject rumored to be the toughest subject in MUFY, I am absolutely intimidated. My laziness, procrastination and that doubt in myself really holds me back. Anyway I'm not here to talk about this.

Things have changed, seems a little but feels a lot actually. I finally took that step after such a long time. I consider it a break for myself so that I can focus on my priorities. Initially I had no reason for taking this break but eventually I realised, oh, this long gap of silence has given me, if not you a wake-up call about what I am seriously feeling. Feelings fade and that's always true. Right now, I don't know what I am feeling and it's not me alone to decide. I am confused but I'm just gonna let it be, because I know this is the best.

Finals around the corner and not gonna talk about the stress part. I'm actually excited about sem break and how many things I can do and how many goals I can achieve. So much in my wishlist and I'm gonna fucking do it. And seriously I have to stop studying for exams so last minute. But that's what makes me, ME. Last minute is my motivation, so deep but wtf.

Despite having exams this week, I wish Seapark all the best for the KPI challenge. Not sure if I had contributed anything, but I tried my very best and did my part already. After all its just a BBQ party and honestly I don't really feel like it, but that feeling of accomplishment should not be mistaken as winning. It surely feels good because you know your efforts paid off. I'm pretty sure only a handful actually contributed to where our lab stands now, but we are a team, its for everyone so yeah! Keep pushing guys, just tell yourself, we have come so far to where we are now, it would be a waste if our stores beat us just like that. Pray for you guys, fighting!

I'm broke as fuck but so much I wanna spend on. I want my own pair of birkenstock (Not for showing off but its really comfy and useful for me) and I wanna dye my hair at a saloon so badly but I know clearly it's expensive and waste of money. I need work harder than this. Lets find a new job...hahaha. Tried uniqlo but they didn't like my face, i guess. But they pay fucking well sial.. haih,

Ciaos for now, all the best for my chemistry, confirm gg lah. I'm more excited for advanced mathematics exam HAHAHAHAH surprisingly.

Apology

Bad day today at work. Sorry to this customer, greatest apologies. I know saying sorry here or anywhere will make no difference. I was cashiering and I missed out his order of changing beef patty to chicken. A beef burger was served and I'm pretty sure he can't take beef due to religion beliefs. 

What I have with me and I wanna clarify is that I'm sorry maybe I went too fast. It was a pretty long order and I just assumed things were right. After shift I was told that after this customer had a bite of the burger he turned from the all-excited look to that freaked out look. His bunch of friends were shocked at the same time and this guy went squatting like he couldn't believe what he just ate. A new burger was fired and a refund was made as well. Due to huge crowds rushing in constantly, I couldn't leave my station and go to him to apologies face-to-face. I wanted too, just no time. I made sure the waiters handling this case informs him that it was my fault while cashiering. Not the kitchen nor anyone else. I was the one who took the order I'm the main cause of this. Sorry man. 

Not  just that I was also told that he was pretty pissed, I think he's fucking pissed just trying to hold it back. When the refund was made, his friends were insisting him to reject it. Well that shows how irritated and mad they were, Really sincerely wanna apologies on this. Not much of a big deal when this was brought up to the managers, but I personally think thats something not to be neglected.. This is really something man, some serious shit. I wish I could have a delete or backspace button for this. What's done is done. I hope he's perfectly fine now. 

I always wish I could make customer's day, and yeah I just did, in a bad way. I'm pretty sure he will remember this bad dining experience at this place, and probably won't come back anymore. Sorry T.T 

Decisions

Not even sure if this is worth to be blogged about. Just had probably not the worst but pretty bad day at college like few hours ago. Just got back from all that shit and chilling in my room after shower. 

Class today starts at 11am so I was right on the dot but when I arrived the visitor parking was full and gated. I was like seriously? Where am I supposed to park then. Sorry lah I honestly don't know where is the entrance to Sunway Pyramid seasonal parking. So after a few rounds around the college I just settled down by the side of a wide road where many cars illegally parked there as well. I was pretty aware that I cannot park there but I just had to because I was late for class already. 

After class, I went for lunch and realised I left my purse in my car. As I approached my car two security ah-bengs rush to my direction looking all pissed and raising voices at me. They told me how could you even park you car here. Did you know we had a hard time trying to negotiate w the people who were so closed to clamp your car. I was like...(speechless).... Tapi pagi tadi visitor parking full lah bang I ade class tau, I replied half frustrated half blur. They raised voices again saying I had other alternatives like Sunway Pyramid or BRT car park but in my head I was screw you. Lol. The convo ended after they told me visitor parking is opened again. 

Made like a thousand rounds on two floors of visitor parking and got absolutely nothing plus narrowly escaped from an accident which scared the shit out of me. Already am I frustrated enough, trying to find a place to settle down in a congested parking lot filled with probationary drivers (P license, lol I know I'm one of them too) but yeah. You know what I mean. Reckless and I know they are frustrated as well. I gave up after 15mins because my food is waiting for me. I made another few rounds at the public parking outside of college but wtf, I just realised there's like 20 car repair shops in just merely two rows of shoplots. That's not the problem, the problem is each one of them will take at least two parking spaces which obviously do not belong to them, or even if they did pay for it or whatsoever, my point is people do get annoyed when you see so many empty parking spaces filled with cars cones and you just can't park there. 

I don't know if this is good or what but I managed to find an illegal white line side parking space few minutes walk away from college. Once I got down my car I noticed almost every car down the road, if not all has summon notices on their windscreens. Speaking about summons, I believe I have received the most summons as an 18 year old probationary driver. In simple words, I kena alot of summons compared to friends or peers around me. I have had enough, but that was for my previous car. Now that I'm driving another car, I told myself I'm not gonna risk another time. I'm gonna skip maths class just to avoid getting a summon for this clean-record car. Maybe not the best wise decision and I'll probably regret it sooner or later but I already done it. Now I'm here, home sweet home. 

That's about it I guess. On my way home, the sky was cloudy and seemed like it was gonna rain, but just had the sudden urge of sending my car for a wash. As I arrived at the petrol station wanting to send for wash, it was f*cking packed like nobody's business. It was towards the end of lunch hour already. daheck. I was like screw it I'm going home. Why on the earth is everywhere so packed and congested and overflowing with cars and people. It's a freaking Monday shouldn't people be in work or restaurant be on off day or you know, starting of week. Then I found out from my friend's snap that today was her first day of semester 2. So don't tell me that is the reason why college is so packed. Ugh. Screw everything I'm gonna do some online shopping, music and take a nap. Ciaos. 

College

Hi. Have been away for ages. Now I'm back. Blogging is not really my thing because I don't have much vocabulary for that, but it sometimes come in handy when your head is filled w thoughts.

Just a slight update about what I'm up to now. Started in myBurgerLab roughly three months ago, and I would say that it somehow changed my life, a lil, maybe. Started on 31 March 2015, lets count... now's like what, mid August? Four and a half months? Crazy. Learn a lot a lot and made plenty of new friends including regulars there. Working in Mbl involves a lot of night life. Or maybe theres where my night life started. It sounds bad but its growing up. Deep. Lel.

Anyhow life has still been a bitch, pain in the ass. College started in July, and I'm still working to make ends meet. People generally assume that kids at Sunway College are rich, like every single one, No, thats's absolutely wrong. Rich is a very very big word, it really is. One can be fucking rich, but spends on necessary things only. Some are just average but spends like fuck.  Since working in Mbl is pretty flexible and comfortable (is this the right word lol), I told myself to try to rely less on my parents. Well at least my pay is enough to pay  for my petrol. 5 bucks a day for parking at college, that makes up to 25 a week, 100 a month. Somehow this is the motivation for me to save, and work more despite lazy days. Hmm.. so I guess I'm considered study-working. Tough but fun.

Speaking about college.. ugh screw it. I don't know what to feel about it, just started like a month, no major events nor assignments, just classes 830-4pm daily. Packed but I like things packed. However procrastination still haunts me. That urge and enthusiasm to study: 404 Error: File Not Found, yes, its still missing in me. 7 months break after graduation, plus PLKN, well, at least I can still write w my hands. Not doing that well in assessments, screw it, that's not the end. Who cares. Apparently MUFY is a managable and relaxed pre-U so I'm pretty sure I'll drag myself through this.

Just one thing I do not understand about life.. Why do we get punished for other people's mistakes? You did not even do a shit but all you get is judgmental shits. People get so look conscious nowadays I cannot even... ugh. Pretty and handsome people get all that special treatment while the others are always put second. Seriously? Not trying to complain but I'm so sick of this. True friends, is bullshit. Turning friendship into couple relationship end ups with friendzone. Something really meaningful that I read and shared on facebook yesterday.

Last day of mid-sem-break today, hope everything goes well even knowing that I have tons of homework and assignments due date soon. Procrastination is my best friend. Off to work, ciaos.

P-L-K-N

Previous post I mentioned that I was kinda afraid of National Service and now.. I'm finally back. Well I came back on Valentine's but didn't have the urge to blog it up.

Hmm, I didn't count exactly but I guess I have been away from home for 77 days, that is around 2 and a half months. Pretty long huh, but I wish it was longer. Major part of it is because of the plkn life that i miss, but part of it is also because life gets even more stressful and frustrating when u get out of camp. PLKN is like high school, honestly. Every pelatih would agree w me. Because majority or even all the pelatih there are your peers. And you know what we have classes every weekday morning in plkn as well as recess breaks. Seriously like sekolah.

Every single bekas pelatih plkn that I come across would assure me how awesome plkn will be and you will turn out loving it so much. Yeah, this is life. You needa experience something before you know it. Indeed, plkn was simply.. unforgettable. I honestly do not know how to put it in words. You needa go through it yourself. You would smile even when you recall the hard times. Because why? Because you survived thru it together w your friends, not solo fighter.  Minority still didn't enjoy a single bit in plkn but mostly turn out not wanting to leave. At some point I even feel sorry for badge 2 and 3  year 2015 because you guys totally missed the fun. This totally deserves an amen.

Mula-ii msuk plkn rasa mcm x biasa,  sbenarnya blom biasa g. Kalo dh biasa, i rasa kite smua mcm 1 family. Family yg gila besar, seramai 400+ org dari Melaka, Selangor, N9 dan sejao Johor pon ade. Sampai skrg aq x ble lupakan memories di plkn.. Membe membe yg paling erat dan kusayangkan. Bilik 19 (bilik aq) yg paling gila yg kite panggil zoo Charlie hahaha. Bilik 17 bilik yg aq lawat stiap malam. Mula-ii utk Ekynn tp lepas tu Ekynn dh pengecualian, so mostly jumpe Eira dan Mei Mei. Memang life kt plkn niy, best giler. I rase aq untung giler ble dpt plkn. Seriously.

Kalo nk cerita pasal plkn niy, mmg x ble habis sampai xtau bila.. Tp aq cuma nk bagi advice sikit tuk yg bakal dpt plkn terutama yg takut tu. Trust me, rilek je! Kawad tengah panas, tinggal dlm hutan tu semua mmg x ble elakkan. Sbenarnye smua tu yg buat plkn best. Tuk yg x minat kawad, i rase plkn niy satu achievement tuk you sbb lepas plkn, u akan minat dan mahir kawad! Kawad dlm plkn dianggap  disiplin. Tuk yg pernah kawad kt sekolah mmg ble paham lah.

Plkn niy betul-ii ble tingkatkan keyakinan diri. Pada pendapat aq lah. Sbb hampir semua aktiviti x kira fizikal atopon kelas teori je pon kite kena yakin bercakap, yakin dgn idea sendiri dan kongsikan kpd pelatih lain. Tuk korg yg x fasir bahasa melayu, plkn ble tolong you sbb you terpaksa pakai bm selama 3 bulan.. Hahaha.

Broken

Everything is breaking apart. Like all at once. Last night my phone screen broke, more like cracked when I dropped it on the floor. It fell and lied face down on the floor. The moment I flipped it over as I picked it up, my heart was close to breaking because its the first ever biggest damage that has happened to so many phones I have used in my life. Urgh, was so shocked and speechless. Now im stuck here, I dont know how to approach my dad and tell him about this. I'll probably get the scolding, well im ready for it, but what matters most is I get the money and get this fixed. No, im not gonna hope for new phone.  New stuff come w conditions, and I'm so tired of it. So nevermind.

What else is breaking? The bonds between me and my buddies are breaking. I hope the bonds we have built can be as strong as before I go for NS. Fuck, NS in less than 4 days. Feeling more unprepared than excited. Gonna be away for two months or so, I really hope I still have friends when I come back. Sigh, hope its gonna be a pleasant experience.  Bye guys, do not miss me.

I heard it. My heart broke. Tough on the outside but broken in the inside, that is me. I dont know what broke my heart. I should have stopped the feelings from growing. I.. am so fucked up.

No place to go

I hate how I can't find a place to rant or let out my feelings or put my feelings into words on social media. I deactivated twitter. So I'm left w facebook insta or wechat. None of them are in my comfort zone. Maybe im just too much to myself. I dont share. But srsly, you wanna rant but u cant find a place to, and yes this feeling sucks. It sucks.

I hate how I cant stop feeling like this. I am human and I have feelings. Deep down in my heart I am crying, sometimes I am physically crying too, but I cannot show or tell. Going for national service is probably part of God's plan to save me. I need time to really think. shit you all and all that shit that has happened and that is still happening.

Sometimes im just so helpless I break into tears. I still cannot figure out why God put me into this.  I'm so irritated because I cannot help not feeling hurt. I'm pissed at myself that I cant control my feelings. My feelings dominate, and it kills me.

Fuck you feelings. Fuck you and you and you and you. Urgh, I'm crying as I write this. Im lying on my bed w body turned to one side. My tears drop sideways, through my nose and into my the other eye. I was still in a dilemma about ns. But now I wanna go and leave this shit place. I want my life back. Sorry to say this, I already lost that courage to go on. I'm a loser and I'm giving up. Just, get out of my life, please.