23

just realised my previous post is exactly one year ago.... 

hope i'll be alive one year later.

bye 

Twenty two

A year older, a year wiser.

22 is the age when reality hits you and you realize that time is going to fly pass no matter what, whether you want to grow up or not. So, I want to learn to make the most out of my time. Focus on happiness and kindness. Embrace sadness, anger, frustration, failure and get over them. Speak less and listen more. 

22 is the age you take love seriously. Love while you can. Everything begins with love. If you love yourself, you will not smoke. If you love your friend, you advise them to quit smoking. If you love your mom, you quit smoking because you know she will be disappointed in us. If you love your partner, you compromise. If you love your colleague, you listen to their opinions. I want to learn to love, genuinely. 

22 is the age you no longer feel young. Not physically, but emotionally and psychologically. Young enough to still go clubbing and drinking, but old enough to realize that health is wealth. Without health, I can't earn money, I can't travel the world, I can't love the ones I love. Call me old-fashioned but it is what it is when it comes to life. 

22 is the age you have barely any friends, especially, true reliable friends. Those whom you do not have to talk to every day to maintain the friendship. Those who are miles away but close at heart. Those who can almost read your mind and emotions like dolphins. 

22 is the age you are alone, but not necessarily lonely. Well at least for me, I started enjoying doing things alone. Shop alone, travel alone (want to try that soon), eat alone... They are not as bad as they sound. I want to learn to put the focus on myself. Learn to embrace my feelings. Love if I love. Hate if I hate. Smile if I'm happy. Cry if I'm sad. Everyone is going to judge you, regardless of what you are doing. So just do it. 

22 is the age you learn how to talk to someone. Learn how to take care of the feelings of others. Learn how to respect everyone and everything. Learn how not to offend someone, because words spoken cannot be taken back. Words heard cannot be unheard. 

22 is the age you thought you know yourself well but you are wrong. I thought I was an extrovert, but I start to enjoy being alone, like how an introvert loses energy after being in crowds. Being around people does make you feel accompanied, but being around people for too long makes you feel even lonelier, because not everyone knows your story and what you've been through. Everyone is just like a friendly stranger. 

22 is the age when birthdays get less and less exciting. Birthdays are just reminders about the 365 days, 8760 hours that you have just wasted.  Birthdays are just reminders of who remembers your birthday and who you "thought remembers your birthday" forgets your birthday. Birthdays are just ordinary days with a few more Facebook notifications popping up and receiving that "once in a year" message from your friends.  

22 is the age when every social media especially Facebook never fails to remind you that you are old af. Reminding you of good or bad memories from years and decades ago. Reminding you of how slim you used to look and how life used to be so carefree. 

22 is the age you start to agree that "the older we are, the lesser friends we have". Its becoming about the quality, not quantity. Having 1000 friends on Facebook feels like having 998 strangers instead. It is also the age when the number of your Instagram followers are constant for at least half a year. 

22 is the age you start to become a morning person instead of a night person because you are too tired for clubbing, too awake for sleep, but too old to stay up so you end up sleeping early XD 

Happy birthday, me. 

Selfish

I was so surprised. I was expecting something, yes I totally was. Expectations lead to disappointment. It was worse than disappointment, it was pure heartbreak. I am constantly questioning myself, what have I ever done to you that you have to treat me like this? Initially I blame myself, but had no answers and response from you. Eventually, I am blaming you, and I really hate you to the core.

Your face looked restless. I don't know what are you up to, and I don't really care. My decision of shaking my head was right. You do not deserve my help. You didn't even bother to ask anything, not even a simple hi. I expected a Hi, well, that's all. You said absolutely nothing. You obviously are taking advantage of me, making use of my kindness and taking me for granted. At this point, I don't mind if you stab me in the heart, I really won't feel any pain. Because you have already hurt me so many times, I don't mind one last time if it's for the good of both parties.

You are so selfish. I don't know if you were conscious when you said you were serious about this shit. I bet you were not, but that's not the problem. The real problem is I trusted you. The little me inside knew that you're lying and telling me not to fall for it again, but another me just decided to suicide. I was proud that you finally woke up, but it was all lies. It's like I just suffered a bad cancer, suppressed with medication, but one day I just forgot to take the medication and pulled myself closer to death once again.

I guess we are not meant for each other. Am I speaking too soon? It's hard to tell when the other party doesn't give a flying fuck about your feelings. Here's everything I wanna throw in your face. Please, for fuck sake, stop playing with my feelings and making use of me. It seems like you found your comfort zone in uni, and if that's the reason you're ignoring me, then please fuck off to your uni. You and your ego should burn in hell. I don't know if your mother brought you up to play around w girls like this, or is it your father? Shame on you. I don't care how desperate you are, who the fuck are you to do this? You take more than you give. You raise voices for all unnecessary reasons. I believe you have a kind heart, even until now. It's me, for being someone easy for you to bully.

I still love you, that's bullshit. I hate you, please some car knock die you, now, tomorrow, asap.
 

Fix you, not

After I don't know eight long months of silence, finally things decided to go back to what it was. I don't know if this was fated or what but it seems like I'm forever a weakness, vulnerable in your presence. When you thought things are finally in your control and you thought you fixed them well, some things with certain people just cannot never be fixed.

I don't understand why I should open up to someone who doesn't even bother talking to me. I don't see a point of being true to someone who cannot even be honest to himself. For the millionth time I have thought to myself, how true can your words be? Your words used to mean so much to me, but now, no matter how much honesty you force into every word you say, I cannot believe you the way I used to do. It isn't a trust issue, or maybe it is, but look, what are you doing?

I remember clearer than anything else the day you threw words in my face claiming how you will not make history repeat itself. Sorry lah but seems like you are trying to make the present worse than the history. I am not even asking for anything you know. All I ask for is to be honest with ourselves. Every word that I ever said to your face, was true. I have been trying so hard to believe half of all the bullshits you toss in my face. I seriously don't know how to trust you anymore. Actions speak louder than words, but in your case, no actions and words full of bullshit.

I will take the punishment for this once again. It took me so much courage and time to run slightly out of you, but just so little effort to run back into you for all the wrong reasons. Fuck my life seriously, what have I ever done to deserve this kind of dog treatment. I don't know why you can hurt someone again and again and again when her only objective was to make you happy. I hope I have the courage to say this in your face, but seriously, just be honest with yourself for once, stop playing with each others' feelings, and wasting time and effort for god damn motherfucking nothing in the end. Oh not nothing, but both broken hearts and torn up souls.

For fuck sake man, just leave me alone forever or show your true self. No one in this fucking world has the time to read minds and believe your half bullshitted words. First time believing in you was immature, second time will be stubbornness, but third will be pure stupidity. Fuck me.

Options?

Sorry guys, this is not gonna be a happy blog post so leave before we get all emotional. I already am but I don't want this to be a reason you smile less.

Options, choices. It's always good to have more than an option, right?  How about being an option? People choose you, people do not choose you too. This world has its evilest way of killing you, by making you someone's option, and just in case you don't feel the pain, you are made second option. 

Come to think of it, being someone's option AT LEAST, makes everything sound better. Yes, this is exactly how the world kills you and burns you an inch deeper as if you are not dead enough. I thought I had never been a thinker, but I guess the thinker in me is growing up. Here I am, spilling things on a fucking blog instead of doing the real shit. 

If I have to be the second option, can I not be an option at all? Because both hurt equally, after all. Left hand side equals to right hand side, bingo, they both stab you equally deep, maybe just at a different rate and with different weapons. Comparatively, not being an option should be the less deadly one. Slightly less, I guess? 

Waking up in the morning thinking that you're Not an option gives you a reason to stop all expectations. But waking up day after day, still believing that you Are the second/third/fourth/fifth/last option, really can tear you up into shredded pieces when expectation are too far to realize. In other words, as long as you still hold onto being 'an option', most of the time you'll be fucked left right center when you don't get what you want. 

How much more cruel can this world be? Everytime something like this hits me, I thought it was the worst things can be. I thought okay, this is so bad nothing can be worse. But the world is spinning, same goes to us. Things come and go, what stays will be, lessons? experience? I don't know. Hurt, yes that stays. It stays, it sinks in eventually. 

I know I look strong like someone you cannot hurt. Sorry, but I will be the one you hurt the most when you think you did no shit. Keep hurting me, my blood shall stain you like lessons. Let see how it goes. 

If I'm second option, make me zero option. 

以后别做朋友

背景里播着的歌，突然变成最适合自己的一首歌。 我们熬过了这么多，我重没想过我们会有今天。来到今天， 我已经受够了。想回去以前刚认识你的时候，我并不太喜欢你的个性。感情可以培养，感情也可以淡化。时间带着我们培养感情，时间也是把感情毁掉的那个。 和你培养的感情虽然挺深，可是你给我的失望尽然更深。我觉得我这个决定应该是最正确的，因为不是第一次了。你来来去去，说走就走，说要就要，你也太自私了吧。我的确要你学会自私，学会玩弄自己的感情，学会欺骗自己，学会欺负自己，学会丢下自己，学会对自己不理不睬，因为这一切你都学会做在我身上。我，到底做错什么？

有话不早说，有感情不早讲，没感情也不早讲。我不怪你，我们都有错。我错在容易心暖，我错在信任你，我错在盲了眼睛，我错在遇见你，我错在爱上你。对不起，也许我会后悔这个决定，可是再继续伤害彼此的话，我们都会后悔。我们在彼此的生活里都留下了疤痕， 留下了回忆。好的回忆不多，坏的回忆也不少。我舍得吗？真的舍得吗？？ 我根本没有想过会失去你。我没有准备一幅失去你之后可以参考的地图，更没有预想到没有你的日子怎么过。这辈子遇到的朋友，来来去去，留下的只有几个。而你，是我要留下的。可是老天爷把我们分开了，应该再也回不去以前。

你说中了，那天晚上，是我最开心的一天。远距离的欣赏真的可以很残酷。看见你在面前，却不可以关心你。心里面的空虚，想念，都在一个晚上没有了。也许我们没有缘分，老天爷给了我你的存在，可是明天就把你没收了。你不会明白，而且我自己也不明白，我到底流的是什么泪，我到底是为谁流泪。你有你的难过，我有我的难过。别想念我，别告诉我，别记得我。我们真的真的真的是错误。

我没有放弃这段友情，我放弃伤害自己。我真的有心软，我真的放不下。放过彼此吧，勉强没有幸福。我会紧紧握着我们有过的回忆，轻轻放下培养过的感情。我希望你会找到属于自己的一份开心，一份满足，一个依靠，一个拥抱。

忘记你是不可能的，可是放下你，我已经办到了。对不起谢谢。

Lessons

Everyone comes into our lives for a reason. Either a blessing, or a lesson. You were a blessing at first, but I was a fool, you became a lesson. First of all, fuck my feelings. Feelings are so unnecessary, but at the same time, without feelings, we won't know how to love and appreciate. You know what is the most heartbreaking thing? I thought the feelings were small, but you managed to hold it tight in your hands, playing it all around, and one fine day, you toss it on the ground and left without looking back. From the strongest person I was, I became the most vulnerable piece of shit crying tears for someone who will not give a fuck.

Why is it so hard to not fall in love? Why is it so easily to fall out of love? Feelings. Fuck them hard, my feelings grow fast, fade faster. Since day one, I have been asking you the same question again and again. You denied it, you fucking denied it. You're selfish, and all you think about is to seek attention and pleasure from other's weaknesses. You're more than an asshole. Don't blame me for saying all these, because you don't give a fuck after all. You were misleading. I had my precautions, but you led me on. I was stupid, to even make friends with a person like you. Acting all emotional, acting all depressed, you're just another attention-seeking hoe.

No one could understand you, and it seemed like only I did. I thought I did too, but I think you don't even understand what humans are made of. Feelings, we all have fucking feelings, not just you. When you assume you are able to help someone, to be fair to someone and to not hurt someone merely by ignoring them, you're wrong at all levels. The more you care about someone, the more you should be sharing with them, tell them what you really feel. You had no balls, well obviously, I don't blame you for that. You had zero guts to open up to me, plus you were laughing away. Correct me if I'm wrong, but you're a loser.

You made things sounded like, you're all innocent and helpless. You always claim that it is your fault. Wake the fuck up man, it has nothing to do w faults. You think that blaming yourself in front of me can make you less guilty? You're so pathetically pitiful, If you think that hiding the truth is the solution to not hurting other people, you're brainless.  After revealing the truth and I did not react to the way you planned, you started blaming yourself for even telling me. What the fuck. You are so fucking selfish. You keep everything to yourself, thinking that people won't get hurt, and act like you're so fucking emotionally injured. What hurts most is faking in front of each other. It's like wasting everyone's time. Just be true to yourself. Its such a shame, that you cannot even do things truthfully for yourself. Your feelings say A, your actions do B.

What breaks me the most is after a month of unknown silence, you come back telling me oh I just wanted to be fair to you, not to hurt you that's why I kept distance from you. Yeah, I totally understand, maybe you were having fun playing with my feelings, that's why you didn't bother. You're wrong, you're insane, you're psycho, you're ignorant. You are no fucking one to play with anyone's feelings like this.

I hope I can be a lesson in your life. When you play with fire, you will burn yourself. I am aware that I am no loss to your life, Without me you will still be the fake-smiling loud-speaking attention-seeking little hoe. Continue being you, I am moving on :)

Silence

I'm so tired. Physically for now. Just got home at 6AM. Lying speechless on my bed after getting all the scoldings from both my parents because I live a life like I don't have a home, according to them. Despite having to go against my parents a lil, which honestly I don't feel good either, but in every conversation/nagging session w my parents, my mind tells me to remain silent.

Every question they toss at me, I just remain speechless. I don't know what to say, what more to defend myself. I am not really a verbally defensive person, I rather take in everything people say, and eventually forget if I don't give a fuck.

I know I have been taking their trust on me for granted. I don't know really, but I'm pretty sure they trusted me enough to have given me this much freedom. It's almost unbelievable that I have never had a curfew. By curfew I mean, restrictions on what time to be home. As good as it may sound, too much freedom can be bad. I get too much trust and freedom to the extend that I feel lack of attention from my parents. I feel like they don't care, enough.

Hereby I just want to apologise to both my parents, I do things very irresponsibly. I don't open up to them much, in fact too damn little. I don't even talk to my mum. I always go towards my dad. At the same time, I'm grateful when comparing myself w other kids, because I have parents like this. I believe its the way they bring me up, and the way I was brought up. They brought me up to study well and take academics seriously, and in turn I maintain my best in my studies. I am not like super genius but I'm not failing.

However, I know. My actions always go overboard. I do things like I forgot I have parents. The conversations on whatsapp w my parents is like a monolog, its only them talking to me, especially my mum.

Ugh, so fucking tired seeing the sun rising above my head. Another day has passed and a new day is approaching. This means, I have to see the same people again at work. I have to face the same nonsense from them, hear the same gossips, and hurting my own feelings because of my own stupidity, again.

Semester break has not been productive for the past two weeks. So much to achieve, so much money to earn, so much to spend as well. I'm here today to share some feelings. Just a few days ago some shit happened and hit me a little. A girl rumored to be an a-level student in Sunway jumped off the new university building, and she did not survive it. I was at work when my whatsapp and facebook feed was filled every corner with news of this heartbreaking story. I told myself I was going to blog about it right after work on that day itself, but sleep became priority. 

Before I move further on, from deep down my heart, I feel sorry. This girl, tho I have no idea who is she, must have been going through fucking a lot to have come to this decision to end her life. Apparently, she was prepared. Physically prepared, maybe mentally as well. Dressed in full black, just as the evening light fades, she took a jump, and landed peacefully, according to the news. Hey there, despite all that you've been going through, now, I'm sure you're in a better place. All that burden on your shoulders, all that stress in and out of you, all that misery making your life upside down, will no longer be your obstacles. I feel sorry for her loved ones, but if only I knew the reason behind this suicide, maybe things will be different. I had a friend who commented about how bad the location was for her to jump. She landed at the open-air drop off area, vehicles come and go all day long, not just that, its the pathway connecting two university buildings, students fill every part of that area. Imagine, you witnessed the jump. Minority will be alright, but I'm pretty sure majority will be disturbed in any sense. University is like a second-home, not sure about others, but it sure is to me. But what the heck, people take your second-home as a suicidal ground. Let's just pray that everyone part of this university and community will be alright, especially those who witnessed. My parents even reminded me not to stay up late in college anymore, as things won't be the same like it used to be. Thankfully, I'm on semester break, otherwise, I would probably have jumped after her. 

Committing suicide, has become a norm. Self-harm comes in place as we talk about this. Everyone around me, seem to be self-harming. I don't know, it does sound exaggerating, but look closely, there are actually many people around you who are not truly sincerely happy deep down their hearts. I have my personal views on this. Self-harming can come from many reasons, reasons as simply as, judgement, in general. People get so fucking judgemental these days. Just because you're less good-looking, less rich, less iPhones, less followers, less likes, less thigh gaps, you automatically become lesser bit of a human being. If you're ugly, you're not treated like human being. What the fuck is wrong with this world. I also have friends who self harm due to relationship problems, studies as well as family problems. Self harm, is new to me. I'm most probably going to end up like any other of my friends who self harm. 

It's not scary, but instead it breaks my heart when I see people around me self harming one after another. This world is already terrifying enough. My little world here, likewise, is very fucked up as well. Self harm and suicidal thoughts do hit me at times, even just the smallest things I start to feel worthless. No one gives a fuck. I know there are some who do, if you are reading this, thank you. I appreciate that, I wish you guys well and be safe. Don't bother asking about me anymore, because I am not used to be cared for. I'm always picking up my own shits, and burying into myself. I'm trying of faking myself. Everytime someone asks me are you okay, I will reply I'm good, but wtf I'm not. Might as well don't ask me, because it won't be any better. It's not wrong to ask, but it all comes to myself, me fighting with myself. 

Shout-out to all those who are going through self harm, stay strong. I know I am no one to be saying this, because I too am not strong, but just push yourself to your limits. Do not give up easily, things may be bad, but always prepare for the worst. People may be assholes, but be sure to hold on your asshole and embrace more shits. 

我让你

As the title states, it means that, I'll let you, I will take one step back to fulfill you and your desires. For your sake, I will let go of what used to be mine. For your benefits, I sacrifice myself. Take my place, for your own advantages. Just, take it, stay, and I'll leave. 

Just wrapped up my semester one finals yesterday afternoon. Last paper was physics, it turned out way tougher than all the past year papers I did total up, and crazy short of time during the exam itself. I screwed it up just like how I did for Advanced Mathematics, there's nothing much I can do about it. I really pray for the best for my mates and myself. Now that semester break has begun, daily routines will change, and goals to achieve will continue its progress. Long before my finals, I was already drooling for carefree days like these. Now that I have finally struggled and dragged myself through a semester, thinking that I could finally get back to work without worrying about exams and 8AM lectures, but life just has to be such a fucktard, another bitch has found its way into my life. 

I am so fucking tired, and I have been repeating this again and again. I have no idea why you would do this, but its your decision and your rights so, go ahead. I'm pretty damn sure you did not consider ANY of the consequences of your actions. You have never thought of what your decision will cause, and what others feel about it.You are indeed selfish, inconsiderate, and again, self-centered. You don't care what others say. Even if you did ask for my opinion, but behind everything, you have already made a decision of your own, assuming that people are stupid, people won't find out about it. Hello, I'm not stupid you know. The things that you don't want me to find out, I know it the moment you do it. Trying to make everyone else a fool and you be the winner? Yeah, you won. The game is yours, everyone else died, victory goes to you. Bravo, you are awesome. Amazingly beautiful, but stabbing me deep in my heart.  So much love, so much lies. 

I was waiting for the day you would officially clarify whatever you've been hiding back there. Waiting, and waiting. Nope, no fucks given. So much gossiping, and underdogs back there, like I stupid like that. Seriously? Sigh. I already stood firm w myself, I said no. Since you insists, all I could now, is leave. There's are many reason why so, but you won't understand and you won't  listen anyway. I know it best where these  reasons come from, and I know I have made a wise decision for leaving. Just go ahead, have all the fun you want, I'm alright man. 

I bet you're tired of this, right. Trust me, I'm more disappointed and tired than you. I don't know how long more I can hold on, but I hope you're trying. Everytime I ask if there's anything you have not told me, you say no. It's so heartbreaking to hear that, but just as the saying goes. Some people are like pieces of sandpaper, they may be rough to deal with, but in the end of the day, you will be sharpened, while they remain as a piece of useless sandpaper. Beautifully quoted, absolutely accurate. Not sure will you be reading this, but if you are, please do keep it to yourself, just as what you have been doing.. all these while. 

Stay, or leave.

Alright before I move on I just wanna hint you on the head, I'm gonna be ranting and please leave if you're not interested. I'm lost, and I don't want to be found, because no one's gonna do it anyway. I don't know what I'm doing everyday. I don't see things the way I used to see anymore. I used to be that happy-go-lucky person, focus on necessary things and live my consistent life. I am not dealing with my studies properly and seriously as I used to be. I am not eating the right way I am supposed to be. I lose appetite more and more often. I see people happy and so actively living their life, and I'm here seeing no purpose in living. I have so much problems I don't know, don't remember' don't want, don't give a fuck to deal with. I don't want to be smoking. I don't want to be drinking. But when I'm doing it, I forget my insecurities, and obviously it feels good. I don't want to be spending money on food, shopping for clothes and all. But I'm happy doing it, so I don't care. I don't want to be lying to myself about how I feel. I will act according to how I feel, and no, I'm not gonna care about your feelings because no one cares about mine after all. I'm not here to rant about who cares about whose feelings. But really, some people just go some much over the line they don't even noticed they fell off onto the ground. 

I'm like having my own show everyday. Acting, trying to please everyone around me. Faking those smiles, adding extra emojis, typing longer texts, giving fake praises, and trying to be happy from outside in. Thinking of ways to cover flaws, but judging people's imperfections at the same time. Buying happiness with money, and losing happiness when I'm broke. Being jealous of other people, but trying to cover it. I don't know man. I always see a person and ask them, how on the earth do you live so happily? Is it that you don't give a fuck or I gave too much fucks? Is it that you don't feel anything or I feel too much about things? Is it that you're loved or I love too much? Is it that you don't listen or I listen too much? It's sad that I can't read minds. If I could, I would know if people are faking smiles or feeling sincerely. Life is a movie where you're the main character. You have a choice to continue acting or not. Some will choose to stop and be real, but I'm pretty sure majority will continue to act to be someone you're not supposed to be. In life, acting has no breaks. Once you take breaks, you break. Because everything that used to go your way will hit you back, and you break into pieces. Again, this time you have to pick up the pieces yourself, and hopefully you build a new you out of it. Not trying to be deep and all, but I really mean every word I say. 

Hopefully I will find some peace in mind and a purpose in living soon. Hopefully I leave where I don't belong to, and things who don't belong leave me as soon as possible. 

Semester one: Done!

Hey folks, I'm am not here not to rant. But I'll put that aside for the moment. Today is the last day of my semester one in MUFY. I don't really feel a thing lel because I have semester two coming right in my face in less than two months. But of course, I'm really happy to have survived through this semester, and am so grateful for having my lecturers. This is not an appreciation post, but really, I think I have been well taken care of this semester. Sadly, semester one lecturers won't be teaching semester two *tears* except Ms Lee. She's an amazing advanced mathematics lecturer, the only one around and that's a good thing. Otherwise we will be getting different lecturers and all, that will be sickening. She's the reason why I look forward and take advanced mathematics seriously. Classes are always informative and effective learning ugh so much big words. I definitely can't wait to see her next semester!  Semester one was like 3 and half months only, I just realized. No wonder it went like flying shits. Finals in two days, and obviously not even close to prepared. Screw that, got semester two whut hahaha.

Course-mates often question me how I survive taking 5 subjects, just so you know, minimum is four subjects per semester. Everyday there's 6 slots of classes. You can't take 6 subjects in one semester because you won't have breaks. 5 subjects is possible, but it's your decision you'll suffer with less breaks. Well that's what I thought initially, but nope. I survived 5 fucking subjects of Chemistry Physics Maths English and yeah, Advanced Maths. My schedule is like 8 to 4pm everyday except Monday. I have four subjects back to back each of these days, and I'm cool! :) Good job myself. I'll most probably be doing the exact same thing next semester. Now, all I can do is pray for motivation, luck and most importantly take away my procrastination please. I need that ohm during SPM man. 

Here's some photos of today's #lastdayofsemester1

Favourite: Ms Lee! 

I wish

Have you ever wanted to blog some feelings out so badly but you know no one will listen, no one will understand, and no one gives a flying fuck? Have you ever sat in front of your computer looking at a blank blog space typing 2 lines and backspacing all of them? Have you ever felt so tired of life sometimes, you just feel like cutting yourself to death. Cutting myself is ridiculous and I am aware of that, so I won't even consider it because yes, I have no guts. I have no guts to face my problems. I have no guts to voice out. I have no guts to take all that judgement. I just suck so much I don't know why do I even exist. I use to believe I exist for something, but I don't. I'm just here taking up more oxygen, using more petrol, taking up seats in a classroom, killing more animals for food, and hurting more people. 

What the fuck just happened? I don't know. I'm not sure what made me so pissed. My eyes are so heavy, sore and at the same time, I feel like crying thinking about this. I was having a fairly good day, struggled through my exams and survived a flat tyre until you made some shitty decisions. Tell me how selfish I am and how inconsiderate I'm, but fuck you this is my blog. I was already tired enough after preparing one whole night for two fucking subjects. I needed my nap so much. I was hoping to get my dinner done and get home asap. Plans ruined, time wasted, stuck and I can't go home due to traffic jams. Maybe it's my fault, but I'm just so so so pissed and disappointed.  I felt like I got fooled right in the face, left alone there to pick myself up pieces by pieces. I was heartbroken the moment I found out, and I just gave no fucks anymore. No one cares after all? I should have just put this to a permanent end. I need to kill those feelings, burn those memories, and bury those conversations. 

Enough, imagine if I hold on to my decisions made previously, I won't have to go through all these. I'm so so disappointed. It makes me feel so useless that I can't even handle a small thing like this. Sorry, I just can't. I have so much feelings in this, Being a person who doesn't like to share doesn't make anything better. Go away, I need to be alone. Though I may feel lonely forever but it's okay. It is still better than going through all these. It's fucking over. I'm leaving. 

I wish. I wish I wasn't born like this. I wish I was born prettier, smarter, and more talented. I wish, I can help more people, because maybe my helping others, I feel better as a person myself and hopefully people help me back at least at times I need them. I wish I don't need to fake myself, I wish I don't need to force myself to smile at people I don't want to, force myself to talk to them. I wish I can have a machine, if not person to talk to. Already am I alone, I am ready for that loneliness. 

I know why people cut themselves now. I finally understand. Maybe one day I will. I won't regret it. Cutting yourself probably takes away the sorrow in you because the pain covers it. Fuck all of you. God just please forgive me. I have my mistakes and maybe I have not noticed it yet. I'm so tired I don't see things getting better even if I realise my mistakes. People are just pieces of shits throwing more shits at you as if you don't have fucking feelings. 

困

嗨！ 哇今天心血来潮想丢脸一下，展现我最烂的中文。说得起一口流利的中文是一件很令人骄傲的事。可惜，那不是我。虽然我读华小，可是少说，少写，少读就如自杀，渐渐一定会退步。我相信有很多人都可以理解这种感受，好像失去了以前的自己，找不回了。再怎么努力都回不去原点，回不到开始的那种程度。 听起来很夸张似的，但。。真的没有夸哦。你有试过吗，看到一个很熟悉的字，第一眼好像认识，可是看久了，就变陌生，然后就越看越认不出。也许你不明白，或者没试过，可是真的，会发生。

一直以来，我对自己最基本的中文会话毫无疑问，可是时间获胜，而我输了。我失败了。我有看台湾剧还有新剧的习惯，还以为这有帮助，我错了，反而我的台湾腔进步了。哈哈。学口腔的确很好玩，也很有挑战性。我喜欢！呵呵。中国口腔也挺可爱，不会太难，应该会派上用场吧，因为大学有中国的朋友。但是，他们都很酷的样子，我猜他们会这么做只有两个可能性，一就是觉得大马人说的中文太深奥了，啦咯叻噜呵哈哇佬喂。。二就是看小我们不能明白他们的语言。

我非常同意中文是世界上最难学，最难明白的语言。学一横一瞥真的很难，要记得和保持程度也容易不到哪里去。我现在的情况就是，忘完了。趁经学过的，趁经拥有的知识和词汇也许还存在可是想不起了。好浪费哦。。不仅仅是学中文，不管学什么都好，不可以停止。因为人类不是完美的， 完美不是人类。你我都会忘记，你我都会放弃。其实我没有资格讨论这个，可是我也是在学习，我也是在长大。

说真的，成长挺吓人。我们人体不停地成长，这不在我们控制范围内，可是心里想法的成长，我们是可以控制的。我们可以选择相信，接受，牢记，忽略。选错就会后悔，后悔就会学习，学习就是成长。好复杂哦。重点就是。。成长过程有惊喜，有失望，有极点，有低落，有恐惧，有回忆，有机会，有选择，有放弃，有失败，也有成功。到底你做了对的选择吗？

我做人很困，很累。不管有多少朋友，说好的好朋友，都是假的，到最会还是孤单。没有人可以陪你一辈子，爱情伴侣就别提了，所以你是自己最好，最永久的伴侣。到今天，经过这么多事情，交过这么多朋友，我终于明白，没有人会真心对待你。每个人不管有多了解对方，多少年的好友，都带着自己的一副面具。到最后，受伤的是你，相信也是你，笨的也是你。说我自私，可是你有问过自己吗？ 你不自私吗？ 你会只想别人不想自己吗？ 你重来没有做过一个为了自己的利益的决定吗？你不自私吗？？你。。不累吗？ 我们都在互相欺骗自己。长得美吗，爽咯。长得丑吗，永远都比不上。现在每个人都只看外表，说好的内在美呢？ 有钱第一，没钱永远第二。如果你说，这世界是有好人的，那。。我找不到好人。我只好做一个好人。讲当然很容易，做就难了！ 

What if?

Now I know why people smoke up. I've been through it and as badass as it can sound, weed really can loosen things up. Not sure how you'll see it, but I take it as, loosing up all that stress and slow things down a little. I still remember that oral presentation on should marijuana be legalized. Well to me it's a yes if you and I can control our shits. Talk about addiction, I think that addiction is what makes weed so interesting. When will power dominates your desires, that's when you have an achievement unlocked, in my opinion though. I am looking forward to my next attempt.

Trials in two days (oh yes I'm talking about exams again fuck, do I have a life) and yeah, I'm here trying to do all last minute preparation. Finishing up all that leftover bits of assignments and science laboratory reports. I'm drooling for carefree days. However carefree means.. laziness and unproductivity. Man, gonna get my shits together this time. Some terrible cover of Wildest Dreams is playing behind this screen now. Not to criticize them, but indeed Tay tay did an amazing one.  It's not easy to sing like Tay tay.

Latest addiction besides weed will be.. babaqunaer (Dad, Where are we going) season 3! Can't describe my love for this reality series and my gratefulness for whoever created this. Not only the kids are cute, the episodes never get boring and every event means something, especially for the parents and kids. Watching it makes me related to myself and my parents. My relationship with my parents.. are not that strong and close. Especially my mum, I barely talk to her and now that I'm grown up, those heart to heart talks is almost close to.. zero. Seriously damn envy those who have fucking strong bonds and close ties with their family members. I am brought up this way, and I will forever be like that.

Currently struggling with a throat of soreness LEL I mean sore throat nigga. Feel like singing my lungs out but I can't. Not sure if I can even sing but I enjoy it. Karaoke mou after finals?!??! :D :D Anyway still hesitating whether to get a vape or not.. No big deal to some of you but it is to me. My own hard earn money man. What if I get bored of it.. What if vape makes my sore throat worse T.T What if I lose it.. What if people judge me..  What if my parents find out.. What if I get tired of hiding.. What if I spoil it.. What if I have no penny to fix it.. What if I don't make full use of it.. What if I will just regret my fucking decision?

Am I living this life the right way?

2:16 AM
Chemistry exam at 8 AM later and not like I have done my revision. I am not even close to done. I grow less and less interest in Chemistry at this moment. Prolly because of this subject rumored to be the toughest subject in MUFY, I am absolutely intimidated. My laziness, procrastination and that doubt in myself really holds me back. Anyway I'm not here to talk about this.

Things have changed, seems a little but feels a lot actually. I finally took that step after such a long time. I consider it a break for myself so that I can focus on my priorities. Initially I had no reason for taking this break but eventually I realised, oh, this long gap of silence has given me, if not you a wake-up call about what I am seriously feeling. Feelings fade and that's always true. Right now, I don't know what I am feeling and it's not me alone to decide. I am confused but I'm just gonna let it be, because I know this is the best.

Finals around the corner and not gonna talk about the stress part. I'm actually excited about sem break and how many things I can do and how many goals I can achieve. So much in my wishlist and I'm gonna fucking do it. And seriously I have to stop studying for exams so last minute. But that's what makes me, ME. Last minute is my motivation, so deep but wtf.

Despite having exams this week, I wish Seapark all the best for the KPI challenge. Not sure if I had contributed anything, but I tried my very best and did my part already. After all its just a BBQ party and honestly I don't really feel like it, but that feeling of accomplishment should not be mistaken as winning. It surely feels good because you know your efforts paid off. I'm pretty sure only a handful actually contributed to where our lab stands now, but we are a team, its for everyone so yeah! Keep pushing guys, just tell yourself, we have come so far to where we are now, it would be a waste if our stores beat us just like that. Pray for you guys, fighting!

I'm broke as fuck but so much I wanna spend on. I want my own pair of birkenstock (Not for showing off but its really comfy and useful for me) and I wanna dye my hair at a saloon so badly but I know clearly it's expensive and waste of money. I need work harder than this. Lets find a new job...hahaha. Tried uniqlo but they didn't like my face, i guess. But they pay fucking well sial.. haih,

Ciaos for now, all the best for my chemistry, confirm gg lah. I'm more excited for advanced mathematics exam HAHAHAHAH surprisingly.

Apology

Bad day today at work. Sorry to this customer, greatest apologies. I know saying sorry here or anywhere will make no difference. I was cashiering and I missed out his order of changing beef patty to chicken. A beef burger was served and I'm pretty sure he can't take beef due to religion beliefs. 

What I have with me and I wanna clarify is that I'm sorry maybe I went too fast. It was a pretty long order and I just assumed things were right. After shift I was told that after this customer had a bite of the burger he turned from the all-excited look to that freaked out look. His bunch of friends were shocked at the same time and this guy went squatting like he couldn't believe what he just ate. A new burger was fired and a refund was made as well. Due to huge crowds rushing in constantly, I couldn't leave my station and go to him to apologies face-to-face. I wanted too, just no time. I made sure the waiters handling this case informs him that it was my fault while cashiering. Not the kitchen nor anyone else. I was the one who took the order I'm the main cause of this. Sorry man. 

Not  just that I was also told that he was pretty pissed, I think he's fucking pissed just trying to hold it back. When the refund was made, his friends were insisting him to reject it. Well that shows how irritated and mad they were, Really sincerely wanna apologies on this. Not much of a big deal when this was brought up to the managers, but I personally think thats something not to be neglected.. This is really something man, some serious shit. I wish I could have a delete or backspace button for this. What's done is done. I hope he's perfectly fine now. 

I always wish I could make customer's day, and yeah I just did, in a bad way. I'm pretty sure he will remember this bad dining experience at this place, and probably won't come back anymore. Sorry T.T 

Decisions

Not even sure if this is worth to be blogged about. Just had probably not the worst but pretty bad day at college like few hours ago. Just got back from all that shit and chilling in my room after shower. 

Class today starts at 11am so I was right on the dot but when I arrived the visitor parking was full and gated. I was like seriously? Where am I supposed to park then. Sorry lah I honestly don't know where is the entrance to Sunway Pyramid seasonal parking. So after a few rounds around the college I just settled down by the side of a wide road where many cars illegally parked there as well. I was pretty aware that I cannot park there but I just had to because I was late for class already. 

After class, I went for lunch and realised I left my purse in my car. As I approached my car two security ah-bengs rush to my direction looking all pissed and raising voices at me. They told me how could you even park you car here. Did you know we had a hard time trying to negotiate w the people who were so closed to clamp your car. I was like...(speechless).... Tapi pagi tadi visitor parking full lah bang I ade class tau, I replied half frustrated half blur. They raised voices again saying I had other alternatives like Sunway Pyramid or BRT car park but in my head I was screw you. Lol. The convo ended after they told me visitor parking is opened again. 

Made like a thousand rounds on two floors of visitor parking and got absolutely nothing plus narrowly escaped from an accident which scared the shit out of me. Already am I frustrated enough, trying to find a place to settle down in a congested parking lot filled with probationary drivers (P license, lol I know I'm one of them too) but yeah. You know what I mean. Reckless and I know they are frustrated as well. I gave up after 15mins because my food is waiting for me. I made another few rounds at the public parking outside of college but wtf, I just realised there's like 20 car repair shops in just merely two rows of shoplots. That's not the problem, the problem is each one of them will take at least two parking spaces which obviously do not belong to them, or even if they did pay for it or whatsoever, my point is people do get annoyed when you see so many empty parking spaces filled with cars cones and you just can't park there. 

I don't know if this is good or what but I managed to find an illegal white line side parking space few minutes walk away from college. Once I got down my car I noticed almost every car down the road, if not all has summon notices on their windscreens. Speaking about summons, I believe I have received the most summons as an 18 year old probationary driver. In simple words, I kena alot of summons compared to friends or peers around me. I have had enough, but that was for my previous car. Now that I'm driving another car, I told myself I'm not gonna risk another time. I'm gonna skip maths class just to avoid getting a summon for this clean-record car. Maybe not the best wise decision and I'll probably regret it sooner or later but I already done it. Now I'm here, home sweet home. 

That's about it I guess. On my way home, the sky was cloudy and seemed like it was gonna rain, but just had the sudden urge of sending my car for a wash. As I arrived at the petrol station wanting to send for wash, it was f*cking packed like nobody's business. It was towards the end of lunch hour already. daheck. I was like screw it I'm going home. Why on the earth is everywhere so packed and congested and overflowing with cars and people. It's a freaking Monday shouldn't people be in work or restaurant be on off day or you know, starting of week. Then I found out from my friend's snap that today was her first day of semester 2. So don't tell me that is the reason why college is so packed. Ugh. Screw everything I'm gonna do some online shopping, music and take a nap. Ciaos. 

College

Hi. Have been away for ages. Now I'm back. Blogging is not really my thing because I don't have much vocabulary for that, but it sometimes come in handy when your head is filled w thoughts.

Just a slight update about what I'm up to now. Started in myBurgerLab roughly three months ago, and I would say that it somehow changed my life, a lil, maybe. Started on 31 March 2015, lets count... now's like what, mid August? Four and a half months? Crazy. Learn a lot a lot and made plenty of new friends including regulars there. Working in Mbl involves a lot of night life. Or maybe theres where my night life started. It sounds bad but its growing up. Deep. Lel.

Anyhow life has still been a bitch, pain in the ass. College started in July, and I'm still working to make ends meet. People generally assume that kids at Sunway College are rich, like every single one, No, thats's absolutely wrong. Rich is a very very big word, it really is. One can be fucking rich, but spends on necessary things only. Some are just average but spends like fuck.  Since working in Mbl is pretty flexible and comfortable (is this the right word lol), I told myself to try to rely less on my parents. Well at least my pay is enough to pay  for my petrol. 5 bucks a day for parking at college, that makes up to 25 a week, 100 a month. Somehow this is the motivation for me to save, and work more despite lazy days. Hmm.. so I guess I'm considered study-working. Tough but fun.

Speaking about college.. ugh screw it. I don't know what to feel about it, just started like a month, no major events nor assignments, just classes 830-4pm daily. Packed but I like things packed. However procrastination still haunts me. That urge and enthusiasm to study: 404 Error: File Not Found, yes, its still missing in me. 7 months break after graduation, plus PLKN, well, at least I can still write w my hands. Not doing that well in assessments, screw it, that's not the end. Who cares. Apparently MUFY is a managable and relaxed pre-U so I'm pretty sure I'll drag myself through this.

Just one thing I do not understand about life.. Why do we get punished for other people's mistakes? You did not even do a shit but all you get is judgmental shits. People get so look conscious nowadays I cannot even... ugh. Pretty and handsome people get all that special treatment while the others are always put second. Seriously? Not trying to complain but I'm so sick of this. True friends, is bullshit. Turning friendship into couple relationship end ups with friendzone. Something really meaningful that I read and shared on facebook yesterday.

Last day of mid-sem-break today, hope everything goes well even knowing that I have tons of homework and assignments due date soon. Procrastination is my best friend. Off to work, ciaos.

P-L-K-N

Previous post I mentioned that I was kinda afraid of National Service and now.. I'm finally back. Well I came back on Valentine's but didn't have the urge to blog it up.

Hmm, I didn't count exactly but I guess I have been away from home for 77 days, that is around 2 and a half months. Pretty long huh, but I wish it was longer. Major part of it is because of the plkn life that i miss, but part of it is also because life gets even more stressful and frustrating when u get out of camp. PLKN is like high school, honestly. Every pelatih would agree w me. Because majority or even all the pelatih there are your peers. And you know what we have classes every weekday morning in plkn as well as recess breaks. Seriously like sekolah.

Every single bekas pelatih plkn that I come across would assure me how awesome plkn will be and you will turn out loving it so much. Yeah, this is life. You needa experience something before you know it. Indeed, plkn was simply.. unforgettable. I honestly do not know how to put it in words. You needa go through it yourself. You would smile even when you recall the hard times. Because why? Because you survived thru it together w your friends, not solo fighter.  Minority still didn't enjoy a single bit in plkn but mostly turn out not wanting to leave. At some point I even feel sorry for badge 2 and 3  year 2015 because you guys totally missed the fun. This totally deserves an amen.

Mula-ii msuk plkn rasa mcm x biasa,  sbenarnya blom biasa g. Kalo dh biasa, i rasa kite smua mcm 1 family. Family yg gila besar, seramai 400+ org dari Melaka, Selangor, N9 dan sejao Johor pon ade. Sampai skrg aq x ble lupakan memories di plkn.. Membe membe yg paling erat dan kusayangkan. Bilik 19 (bilik aq) yg paling gila yg kite panggil zoo Charlie hahaha. Bilik 17 bilik yg aq lawat stiap malam. Mula-ii utk Ekynn tp lepas tu Ekynn dh pengecualian, so mostly jumpe Eira dan Mei Mei. Memang life kt plkn niy, best giler. I rase aq untung giler ble dpt plkn. Seriously.

Kalo nk cerita pasal plkn niy, mmg x ble habis sampai xtau bila.. Tp aq cuma nk bagi advice sikit tuk yg bakal dpt plkn terutama yg takut tu. Trust me, rilek je! Kawad tengah panas, tinggal dlm hutan tu semua mmg x ble elakkan. Sbenarnye smua tu yg buat plkn best. Tuk yg x minat kawad, i rase plkn niy satu achievement tuk you sbb lepas plkn, u akan minat dan mahir kawad! Kawad dlm plkn dianggap  disiplin. Tuk yg pernah kawad kt sekolah mmg ble paham lah.

Plkn niy betul-ii ble tingkatkan keyakinan diri. Pada pendapat aq lah. Sbb hampir semua aktiviti x kira fizikal atopon kelas teori je pon kite kena yakin bercakap, yakin dgn idea sendiri dan kongsikan kpd pelatih lain. Tuk korg yg x fasir bahasa melayu, plkn ble tolong you sbb you terpaksa pakai bm selama 3 bulan.. Hahaha.